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Heshy’s First Friday Night Dinner

April 27, 2011 by newkosher

Taken from our friend FrumSatire…

I have lived on my own since I was 18, so naturally I can cook, sort of. My girlfriend of the summer before last introduced me to wonderful world of eggs, until then I thought I didn’t like eggs. My roommate throughout my college years taught me how to whip together great tasting meals in under 10 minutes, mostly consisting of a pasta, rice or quinoa base with tofu, chicken, steak or some other protein – tossed with some mighty fine sauce, like the San-J Peanut sauce.

Then one year I decided to self inherit my fathers cast iron wok and I was able to whip together some great looking and tasting stir fry’s. After that I figured out the art of overnight marinades, but until recently I never really appreciated the amazing art of cooking and the joy of cooking for others.

The girl (who I am sure is reading this) who was my most recent girlfriend, who is still one of BFF’s was an amazing chef who taught me some pretty cool stuff. First of all, she loved to cook for me and others, she also loved simplicity, some greens cooked with lemon and salt – who woulda thunk it? Only recently have I learned some more advanced knife skills (you would be shocked at the knife skills that could be learned) and have begun to get into real food. Local food, great produce and the awesomeness of experimentation.

But don’t let my fascination with the art and joy of cooking fool you, I am nothing special, my food is simple and until this past Friday night, I had never cooked a shabbos meal for anyone. My friend’s asked me to feed them and my mind went into the “oh shit, my friends are kind of foodies, what the hell am I supposed to do?” Good thing they keep a vegetarian home, because I find cooking meat to be much less exciting the vveggie centric meals, call me a hippie, but I love the colors that produce gives off.

I hopped over to Whole Foods in San Mateo on the way up to my friends in San Francisco, with some ideas in mind and spent about 20 minutes debating if I wanted to make some kale and collards or some sort of bok choy – as my veg dish. Then I spent another bunch of time debating what type of rice I wanted, jasmine, basmati or long grain brown rice. It was all a glorious debate, whole foods is a glorious place filled with amazing stuff – of course – I then went to Trader Joes and although the quality is much lower, realized I should have held out on basic items like garlic and lemons.

So, nu what did you make?

I seasoned some salmon with shallots, lemon zest, whole lemon slices, sprigs of fresh thyme, kosher salt and ground pepper – I threw in some thinly sliced yellow pepper as well. Then I sauteed some garlic and ginger in toasted sesame oil and then tossed in some snap peas, red and yellow peppers and musrooms. Then I threw in some sliced bok choy at the end because it cooks down quicker. I had decided on Jasmine rice and had really wanted to blanch some ginger and shred it in there with some chunks of mango, but my friend ended up with the idea of lime zest (I am addicted to citrus zest in you can’t tell) and mango slices.For the salad course, I went a little out of whack with the general Cal-Asian Fusion of the meal and fried up some small diced musrooms, yellow onions, garlic, fresh basil and sundried tomato tofurkey – which we then ate with fresh homemade pita garlic oil, fresh basil and fresh red vine tomatoes.

It felt really good to make something for someone else, especially because they have fed me numerous times and I come to stay by their house quite often. It felt good to make food that looked especially pleasing and actually tasted good. They told me I should have invited some people over, so next time I do this, I am wondering if any of my random SF friends would want to hop on over to The Sunset for a shabbos meal.

Next time I am going to do Italian…

Filed Under: NewKosher (Recipes), Random (Feelin' Lucky?) Tagged With: convert to judaism, convert to judaism online, darshan yeshiva, frum satire, frumsatire, heshy fried, online conversion, patrick "aleph" beaulier, patrick aleph, punktorah, rabbi beaulier, rabbi patrick aleph beaulier

Are You A Baal Teshuva Poser?

February 1, 2011 by Patrick Beaulier

It’s really interesting to meet cool, forward thinking people who embrace Orthodox Judaism. It goes to show you how wide HaShem’s arms are — extending out to everyone, everywhere. That’s the kind of G-d I believe in.

But I realized recently that the Baal Teshuva movement (a semi-organized effort to help secular or progressive Jews become Orthodox) may have a weird unintended consequence: it can turn you into a gigantic poser.

Far be it from me to call anyone, Jewish or not, a poser. I know myself. I’m lame. I’ve had it pointed out to me by the authority on contemporary Jewish life (aka FrumSatire) that I am, in fact, a hipster. I bemoan that title, while accepting my lot in life.

But I have noticed something about the mini tribes of Baal Teshuva 20-somethings that flock around dynamic Modern-ish Orthodox rabbis: they all start to look alike, after a while. I don’t mean this in a Black Hat way. No, I mean that in addition to following the derech (path) of the Lord, you also weirdly end up following the path of your new Frum Family. You switch your Bob Marley tee shirt for a Moshav Band shirt. Your skinny jeans turn into not-so-skinny pants. You find yourself buying one of each knock off vintage hat from Target. Throw in the tzitzits, beard, etc. and you just…well…kinda end up looking like everyone else.

It reminds me of being in high school in the south. Over the summer, a few kids I knew started going to the “youth church” where they skateboarded and listened to Christian emo and read Bibles with titles like, “Jesus Freak Manual” and “EXTREME Faith!!!!!” You kinda knew it was dorky, but at the same time, isn’t it nice to belong to something?

Looks aren’t everything. I remember a Chabad that I went to, where the rabbi said (and I’m loosely paraphrasing), “go to Crown Heights and you’ll see the entire Chabad Lubavitch community dressed exactly the same. Some people think that means that you’re not being yourself. But what does it mean to be you? Does wearing a pink shirt make up who you are? No! It’s who you are on the inside. Your personality. Who cares about what’s on the outside?”

I wonder, though, at what point in a person’s quest to find the knowledge of the Torah and embrace Orthodoxy, that it doesn’t turn into Hebrew Fashion Week. Or, put another way, is there vanity in collective modesty?

Filed Under: Community Member Blogs, Random (Feelin' Lucky?) Tagged With: Are You A Baal Teshuva Poser?, baalat teshuva, Chabad, convert to judaism, darshan yeshiva, family christian store, frumsatire, jesus freak, jewish fashion, kiruv, modern orthodox, moshav, orthodox judaism, patrick "aleph" beaulier, patrick aleph, punktorah, rabbi beaulier, rabbi patrick aleph beaulier

Atheists Seem To Have It So Easy

October 19, 2010 by Patrick Beaulier

(Originally posted by our friend Heshy Fried here)

Atheists really seem to have it easy. They probably don’t, but when I look at them from afar it seems to be an easy life. A life of non-believing and depending on their personalities they may be ironically called insane by us religion espousers, but in the end believing in God seems to be tough work – but not so much believing in God as struggling with the entire concept of “what is the meaning of life?” I was asked that by an older friend of mine recently. I couldn’t tell if it was in jest, but I told him that life was about realizations that hit you in the head and made everything else until that point seem idiotic. Like when I realized that worrying about things was the tyranny of the mind. Chabadnicks say it’s the sitra achra and I agree – the other side, the devil, the evil inclination, the yetzer harah – whether or not that may be fictional or not is up for debate – but something in our conscience screwing with us. We worry about things all the time that will happen regardless of worrying or not, so why worry?

So Atheists, what’s the deal? I can’t seem to shake my belief in God. I never actually tried. I don’t think I’m smart enough to be an Atheist. Almost every Atheist I ever met was a scientist of some sort. I have a friend who says that any scientist who believes in God is intellectually irresponsible and I disagree – I don’t see how God cannot be worked into any scenario – I just don’t understand Atheism.

I kind of wish I could be an Atheist sometimes. I wouldn’t have to worry about the afterlife (I don’t really worry about the afterlife now anyway, like most people my age death is not really in my mind much) and my entire life would be devoted helping future generations have a good time here on earth, rather than the constant talk of this so called messiah who will deliver us from our misery, after a 1000 years of nothingness by the way. So apparently, one of the many urban legends surrounding the coming of the messiah (I’m not really sure about the whole thing, I only look forward to it for the fodder it will provide, I’m sure the messiah will be a transgender woman who is modern orthodox and everyone won’t take a hint) is that there will be a big war and the world will be empty of life for 1000 years – so we won’t see the whole thing anyway. Also, how on earth are we going to roll to Israel with all of our luggage anyway? And what about all that stuff the beis din will kill us for, like carrying in an eruv that not everyone accepts — maybe they will have the beis din stonings on pay per view or something with the money going to tzedaka.

Religion ain’t easy, unless you’re ignorant. If you sit and learn all day and never bother to reaffirm your beliefs it seems so easy. “Honey I’m going to Kollel” followed by “Honey did your father pay the rent?” It seems from the outside like an easy life, intellectually at least. Sure, you cannot afford white meat and don’t get to drink brand name soda, but you learn and shteig and believe fully (I think) in what you’re doing. Meanwhile, us underlings cling to this religion we really don’t fully believe in but are afraid of losing the community around it or something of the sort.

I believe so strongly in God, but don’t really know what to do with that belief. Others dive blindly into Judaism, whether it be orthodox, or some other stream, but I’m always unsure. I consider myself orthodox, sure, but am I? I like the term post-orthodox, or post denominational, it makes sense. I don’t have a hashkafa. For instance, I am vehemently against TV and Movies, more from a philosophical than hashkafic bent. I think it’s all a waste of time, but not bittul torah — everything is bittul torah, you know?

To not believe in God takes everything out of the picture, what pains do you have? But then again, when you do have pain, to whom do you daven? Baal? I don’t know if I could live without my daily conversations with the L-rd. He’s the best free psychologist. You can scream at Him, curse at Him, wave your fists at Him or Her or It and it just sits there on its cloud filled lazy boy reading the DSM 4 and wondering about what on earth you’re babbling. It’s really good talking with the Lord, loads of fun, except for the few times that I was heavily involved that when I came across a fellow hiker, they looked at me like I was crazy, after all – there was no Bluetooth in my ear and definitely no reception for one to be talking to anyone. I would momentarily break from my philosophical discussion with the clouds and tell them that I was spacing out and trying to scare the bears.

I guess Atheists have to pay for a psychologist. Maybe it’s worth the ease at which their minds get to glide through life. I don’t like the argument that Atheists are immoral. You don’t need God to be moral and it seems like the opposite actually. It seems like the evil things done in the name of God far outweigh the things done in the name of Atheism. You may make the argument that the Communists were Atheists and Stalin managed to kill 80 million people, but it’s doubtful they did it in the name of no God in existence — they did it because they wanted to control the world vodka market – which seems to be against capitalism, so why not?

Filed Under: Random (Feelin' Lucky?), Rants Tagged With: 3xdaily, atheists, babbling, convert to judaism, darshan yeshiva, frum satire, frumsatire, God, humanistic judaism, patrick "aleph" beaulier, patrick aleph, punktorah, rabbi beaulier, rabbi patrick aleph beaulier, Rants, Religion, secular judaism, slight humor

In Search of the Kosher Cheeseburger

June 24, 2010 by newkosher

Think that a kosher cheeseburger can’t exist? You’re wrong! Here’s a few of our favorite examples…

Talia’s Steakhouse Cheeseburger

OK, it doesn’t have bacon (of any kind) on it, but Talia’s is the first restaurant in NYC to serve a kosher cheeseburger, so you have to give them credit for that.

The Jewlicious Burger

The kids at Jewlicious are the real winners in the kosher bacon cheeseburger experiment. Vegetarian and chocolate filled, this burger sounds absolutely disgusting…but really, really funny.

There’s several other combos that work, all equally delicious…

  • The South African Burger: ground beef, vegan cheese, and Macon Bacon (made from beef in South Africa)
  • Mary Had A Little…Burger: ground lamb, vegan cheese and lamb bacon
  • The Veggie: Morningstar Farms vegan burger, veggie bacon (contains egg) and tofu cheese

Filed Under: NewKosher (Recipes) Tagged With: cheeseburger, convert to judaism, convert to judaism online, darshan yeshiva, frumsatire, jewcy, jewlicious, making anything kosher, non-kosher, online conversion, patrick "aleph" beaulier, patrick aleph, punktorah, rabbi beaulier, rabbi patrick aleph beaulier, treyfe, trief

Orthodox Jews Are Not Usually Friends With Non-Jews

June 3, 2010 by Patrick Beaulier

(Originally Posted at FrumSatire.net)

The goyim succumb to taiva and are dangerous. They will befriend you and then turn on you. Non-Jews are evil and are only there to convert you. They will suck you in and then slowly convince you that Jesus is Lord. First you will be chatty in school, and then all of a sudden you are under the chupah and your bride isn’t Jewish.

This and more is what I heard during my yeshiva years. We were told how holy we Jews were and how evil and unworthy the goyim were. We were told that they hated us. Wait, I am still told that by plenty of people. Everyone hates the Jews, according to my old man — especially the liberal Jews. Either way, being friends with non-Jews never really entered my solar system.

Think about it. As an FFB, I went to yeshiva my entire life and the first time I ever had a non-business experience with a non-Jews was when my auto mechanic asked me to mow his lawn for him. Most of the folks I know who grew up orthodox have little to do with non-Jews in a non-professional manner. I didn’t go to school with them until I hit 18 and even when I tried to hang out with them, I could never fully relate. I don’t think it’s wrong to be friends with non-Jews like my Rabbis had tried to convince me, I just didn’t have any interest.

I received an email the other day from the same girl who wrote that Dear Heshy post from a week ago. She was pissed that other frummies were giving her looks for hanging out with non-Jews. I don’t understand why. She lives in NY, hasn’t she ever gotten the Boro Park Stare?

This got me thinking about the fact that throughout my entire life I have had maybe 3 good non-Jewish friends. In fact, only in the past 3 years have I even had non-frum Jewish friends (not including my friends who have chosen a non-frum lifestyle) Most of the folks I know who grew up orthodox don’t have any good non-Jewish friends. Sure we have those guys from work or school, but how often does it go beyond that?

I can fully understand why some folks might feel it wrong to be friends with non-Jews. Some of the core parts of Judaism are designed to keep us with our own kind. Keeping kosher is one of the basic tenets of Judaism and it is responsible for derailing all of my chances at being chummy with coworkers or classmates. Shabbos is another biggie. Not being able to go out on Friday night has made me look like an anti-social religious nut job to plenty of people, but I have never gone “out” on a Friday night, unless you count those evenings spent at Barnes and Nobles looking at bike magazines when I was a teenager.

I don’t look at non-Jews as evil. I guess I just stick with my own (although my own include people who converted to Judaism – reform, conservative and orthodox) out of comfort and Judaism being central to my existence. I look at it like any common group sticking together.

Filed Under: Rants Tagged With: convert, convert to judaism, convert to judaism online, darshan yeshiva, frumsatire, ger, goy, goyim, Jewish, Jews, Judaism, non jewish, orthodox, patrick "aleph" beaulier, patrick aleph, punktorah, rabbi beaulier, rabbi patrick aleph beaulier, Torah

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