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Has Anyone Seen My Kavanah?

September 8, 2015 by Patrick Beaulier

i-dont-know

Okay, here’s the thing: while I typically possess the organizational skills of an ant with OCD, over this past year my every attempt at organization has been confounded. I believe that this is due, in large part, to my lifestyle becoming increasingly nomadic; and my resistance to this. In an effort to both conserve space and travel lightly, I was forced to consolidate my possessions down to the bare necessities (I mean, I was only able to take, like, ten to twelve pairs of shoes with me. In my world this is nearly equivalent to a social crisis.). Consequently, when high holy days crept up behind me, placed its hands over my eyes, and whispered, “guess who?” I was completely caught off guard. To say I was ill prepared for the most important holidays on the Hebrew calendar would be like saying Henry Ford was a bit put off by the Jews; or that the Middle East has one or two small issues. Shifting into seat-of-my-pants, headless-chicken mode, under which I had been operating to a much greater extent lately, I tried to remember where I had stored the things I would need for the days of awe. More specifically, I wondered when I had last seen my kavanah. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term kavanah, it is a Hebrew word meaning intention or direction of the heart and describes the state of mind one should be in while praying.

Oy gevalt! Was my Kavanah in mothballs somewhere? Where on Earth had I put it? I searched through every closet and box, finding nothing but half-finished projects and mementos of broken vows and unfulfilled oaths. I started to sweat until I remembered that I had already nullified my vows and oaths during Yom Kippur the previous year. Baruch HaShem! At least I didn’t have that to worry about. Also, I distinctly remembered having my Kavanah with me since that time. So where did I put it? Did I leave it at the shul among the prayer shawls and kippot that are provided for those who don’t have them? Perhaps it was buried deep within my storage unit, in the box containing my white Yom Kippur clothes? I was at a complete loss.

Feeling like a complete shmuck, I thought that perhaps I might skip high holy days services this year; then no one would have to know about my lost kavanah. Except that I had already requested, and was granted, a ticket for all of the services for a very meager donation. Even though I attend synagogue services sporadically, at best, the people at this shul have been very good to me, and never make me feel like the village schnorrer (beggar) that I actually am. And once again, by granting me a ticket at a ridiculously generous discount, they were extending the hand of tzedakah to me. No, not attending services was not an option. I needed some advice. In the past, when faced with an untenable situation, I typically asked myself how my dad would advise me in a given scenario. In this instance, I was sure he would have told me to “suit up and show up.” Okay…good…I could do that…probably.

When the first day of Rosh Hashanah arrived, I suited up, showed up, and listened to the beautifully plaintive call of the shofar. Even though I did my best to stay anonymous amidst the sea of people, the rabbi noticed me and proffered, along with his warm greeting, an invitation to the break-the-fast dinner that takes place at the conclusion of Yom Kippur. I accepted the invitation graciously, and hoped my nervous smile didn’t betray me. I wondered if he would have extended the invitation if he had known that my kavanah was still MIA? Sh*t! Where the f@#* was my f@#*ing kavanah? Since I had 10 days until I really needed it, I went home and promptly forgot all about it. You can imagine my horrified shock when I woke up one morning to find Yom Kippur staring me straight in the face.

Bugger! Bugger! Bugger! No kavanah in sight, and my white Yom Kippur clothes were still buried somewhere in the depths of my storage unit. I would have to wing it. In keeping with my decidedly punk personality, I made the ironic choice to wear all black.

I mean:
A) I had plenty of black clothes
B) Hell, I even had black canvas sneakers
C) Being the one black dot in a sea of white is sort of my shtick.

Once I had suited up, I went to the Kol Nidre service for the showing up portion of the evening. Guess who wasn’t with me? That’s right; Ms. Kavanah apparently had a better party to attend. The evening service passed more slowly than the line at the DMV; and the service on the following morning was even slower (it’s not like I could hide my kindle inside my Machzor; there were too many people in attendance. But I totally thought about it). It was all I could do to not run screaming to the nearest exit. That afternoon, as I was heading back to the shul for the concluding service of Neilah, I began to despair of ever seeing my kavanah again. It was during the final moments of Yom Kippur that I became really desperate; and as the gates of Heaven started to close I prayed feverishly, pleading to be written in the book of life. Suddenly, I saw something flutter in my peripheral vision. When I turned to look, guess who was sitting there looking oh-so-convivial? Yup…it was my kavanah. I was so relieved to see her that I decided I could wait until the service was over to discuss the (ahem) problem.

When the service concluded I quietly requested a word with her outside. Once we were out of earshot of the other congregants I turned on her angrily. “Where the hell have you been?” I demanded, “I’ve been looking everywhere for you since before Rosh Hashanah! You sure picked a fine time to disappear. If I don’t get written in the book of life this year, and I die, I am so taking you with me!” She looked at me as though I had lost my mind (and since I was subjecting abstract concepts, like kavanah, to anthropomorphism, perhaps I had). “Nu?” I asked her impatiently, “What do you have to say for yourself?” She contemplated for a moment and then spoke. “Wait,” she began, “you don’t actually think that I’m something that can be carelessly misplaced and forgotten, do you? Like a book or car keys?” Then under her breath she said, “And you think I’m a flake?”

Did I think that? Did I think she was like other commonplace items that are easily misplaced? She looked at me then; looked directly into my eyes, searching expectantly for contrition that wasn’t there. “You are too much!” she said, clearly exasperated. “I can’t believe I have to explain this to you. Um, I actually live inside of you!”.

Okay, that was hurtful.

”Here’s the problem. I can’t engage unless you engage me.” It was at that precise moment that it dawned on me: she was right. It wasn’t until I became desperate enough to try that she appeared. I mean, sure, suiting up and showing up is all well and good; but because I had convinced myself that kavanah was something that existed separately from me, I didn’t even try. I had been faithless and foolish. I did, however, learn something that day: the Creator has endowed each of us with plenty of kavanah. However, in order to engage it we must also have faith; and sadly, faith is in much shorter supply.

Written by Shoshana H. Hogue

Filed Under: Judaism & Belief, Random (Feelin' Lucky?), Rants, Rosh Hashanah, Shabbat & Holidays, Yom Kippur Tagged With: convert to judaism, convert to judaism online, darshan yeshiva, online conversion, patrick "aleph" beaulier, patrick aleph, punktorah, rabbi beaulier, rabbi patrick aleph beaulier, Shoshana H. Hogue

Book Reviews: Even Higher, When The Chickens Went On Strike, and Tashlich At Turtle Rock

September 10, 2014 by Patrick Beaulier

Even-HigherEven Higher: A Rosh Hashanah Story adapted by Eric Kimmel and illustrated by Jill Weber is a wonderful story to read aloud to children about a Rabbi who is thought to go “even higher” just before Rosh Hashanah.

Every year just before Rosh Hashanah Rabbi Nemirov disappears. He’s not at home, or in the synagogue or in the village of Nemirov. The villages believe he’s gone to heaven to beg G-d for forgiveness of their souls. But is this where Rabbi Nemirov really goes?

A skeptical, but pious man-a Litvak comes to town and tells the villages they are wrong in their thinking. He uses the writings of ten Rabbis to back up his conclusion. However days before Rosh Hashanah the Litvak follows Rabbi Nemirov and what he finds makes him believe and declare that Rabbi Nemirov might go “even higher.”

 

When the Chickens Went on StirkeWhat makes something a custom? Why do we do the things we do? Over time, as things change are we to change too or do we hold fast to the past?

The book When the Chickens Went on Strike: a Rosh Hashanah Tale adapted from a story by Sholom Aleichem by Erica Silverman and illustrated by Matthew Trueman asks and deals with these very questions in a manner accessible to children.

This story takes place in a Russian-Jewish village, many years ago so many in fact that most if not all of us were never around to witness to take part in Karpores (the Jewish tradition of holding a clucking chicken above the head of a person and saying a prayer to rid the person of his or her bad deeds. The little boy in this tale wants to behave very badly to make his papa proud, but he also wants to make his sister, who, I have to point out has to sit in the women’s section of the Shul, laugh. The boy’s father tells him to go outside because he causes such a disturbance. Outside the boy sees the chickens clucking. “Strike! Strike!” the chickens declare.

At first the boy is taken aback because he too, like the other villagers, believes in Karpores. He’s afraid there is no other way to get rid of his “bad deeds.” But perhaps there is after all as the story tells us: “Customs come and customs go.”

TashlichTurtleRockTashlich is another Jewish custom of Rosh Hashanah, but unlike the custom of Karpores, Tashlick is still practiced by some Jewish people today. Tashlich is a Jewish custom of going to a body of water during Rosh Hashanah and tossing pieces of bread, which symbolize mistakes of the past year, into the water.

Tashlich at Turtle Rock by Susan Schnur and Anna Schur-Fishman and illustrated by Alex Steele-Morgan is a great way to look at or start your own family or friend customs or traditions during Rosh Hashanah.

Annie, Lincoln along with their mom and dad are off to do Tashlich. This year Annie is in charge of coming up with the family’s route. Annie chooses to stop at Turtle Rock first and to have the family write one good thing from the past year on the rock with the rock. After the family does this, dad washes their words away with water. Next they stop at Billy Goat’s Bridge and toss a piece of nature that represents something they want to throw away or ‘cast off’ from the past year. Annie chooses to stop at Gypsy Landing thirdly where each member of the family makes a promise for the New Year. Finally the family walks together to Old Log where they enjoy some yummy apples and honey.

So what are your families and friends traditions leading up to Rosh Hashanah and during the High Holidays?

Reviews are by Tamara Levine, who works in a children’s library and is active in our online community at OneShul.org.

Filed Under: Jewish Kids, Jewish Media Reviews, Judaism & Belief, Random (Feelin' Lucky?), Rosh Hashanah, Shabbat & Holidays Tagged With: convert to judaism, convert to judaism online, darshan yeshiva, online conversion, patrick "aleph" beaulier, patrick aleph, punktorah, rabbi beaulier, rabbi patrick aleph beaulier, tamara levin

Know That You Are Loved

September 11, 2012 by Patrick Beaulier

The story was a familiar one; however, this time, it was a young man who I knew since his early childhood. Having grown up with a few learning and behavioral challenges, Reece grew up believing he was not good enough. I remember coaching him in roller hockey in a high-stressed championship game that we lost in overtime. Reece was the goalie and he had a meltdown when he let in the losing goal. It was his stellar play that got us to the championship game in the first place and I tried to console him. I wished it would have been any other kid, because I knew Reece would take it so hard.

Fast forward to the college years – Reece went away to school and without much needed boundaries and discipline, Reece did poorly, got involved in drugs and had to come home. However, he had his music. A talented saxophone [Read more…]

Filed Under: Jewish Text (Torah/Haftarah/Talmud), Random (Feelin' Lucky?), Rosh Hashanah Tagged With: convert to judaism, convert to judaism online, darshan yeshiva, drug addict, drug addiction, jewish recovery, jewish substance abuse recovery, know that you are loved, online conversion, patrick "aleph" beaulier, patrick aleph, punktorah, rabbi beaulier, rabbi patrick aleph beaulier, recovery, rosh hashanah d'var, rosh hashanah sermon

NEW eBook: OneShul High Holidays Machzor

August 28, 2012 by Patrick Beaulier

We are thrilled to announce the release of OneShul Machzor 5773, the siddur for our first OneShul High Holidays Services.

Click here to download the new book. And please, give a suggested minimum $5.00 donation to support the work we as a community are doing.

Our prayer service schedule for High Holidays includes:

9/16 @ 6:00-6:30PM Eastern
Rosh Hashanah Meditation with Aron
Get centered with a wonderful meditation “sit” steaming live on OneShul.org. Aron, our Jewish meditation teacher, will guide us through meditations on the High Holidays. This meditation will be based on the work of Rami Shapiro and his book “Minyan”.

9/16 @ 7:15-8:30PM Eastern
Rosh Hashanah Services with Ketzirah
Join OneShul.org for online High Holidays services. The Erev (Evening) Rosh Hashanah service will be lead by Ketzirah, a Kohenet, Celebrant and artist. For more information about our services, visit www.oneshul.org

9/18 @ 11:30AM-12:30PM Eastern
Rosh Hashanah Shacharit Service
An interpretive morning prayer service infusing the traditional Shacharit service with [Read more…]

Filed Under: Jewish Media Reviews, Judaism & Belief, Rosh Hashanah, Shabbat & Holidays, Yom Kippur Tagged With: convert to judaism, convert to judaism online, darshan yeshiva, free high holidays, free jewish books, free machzor, free rosh hashanah, free yom kippur, online conversion, online machzor, patrick "aleph" beaulier, patrick aleph, punktorah, rabbi beaulier, rabbi patrick aleph beaulier

Elul – Preparing for The Days of Awe

August 20, 2012 by Ketzirah

Elul is a month of preparation. It’s a month to continue healing from Av, but mostly it’s about preparing for the Yamim Noraim (ים

Filed Under: Community Member Blogs, Judaism & Belief, Random (Feelin' Lucky?), Rosh Hashanah Tagged With: convert to judaism, convert to judaism online, Cows, darshan yeshiva, days of awe, elul, golden calf, online conversion, patrick "aleph" beaulier, patrick aleph, punktorah, rabbi beaulier, rabbi patrick aleph beaulier, shofar, tashlich, yamim noraim

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