B"H

Robo-Goys, Kosher Phones and Other Jewish Technological Innovations

People don’t like to think very far into the future. I understand that: I can barely think about next week, let alone a decade from now.

But if the Tribe is going to survive, we need to learn to adapt. Judaism came from a pre-modern era. Now, more than ever, we need to find creative ways to use technology to bring the Tribe into the 21st Century…kicking and screaming if we have to.

So here are five technological innovations, which I feel will greatly improve Jewish life and further the Jewish People.

Twitter Minyans: It makes no sense to me that technology and prayer have not been fused together. Most of the prayers are short enough that they will work in Twitter, and we can shorten the other ones to fit in the 150 character box.

Digital Shabbos Candles: There’s nothing that requires a Shabbos candle be a physical candle (haters beware, I did look in Code of Jewish Law for this), so we can assume that a candle screen saver would work just as well for Friday night. If you want something a little more low-tech, a simple flashlight would work just as well. But remember that if you do that, you have to let the battery run out, as switching the light off is “work.”

Robot Shabbos Goys: Need a Shabbos goy but don’t want to bother the nice Christian family next door? In the future, we’ll have robots to do that for us. Even today, modern conveniences like the Roomba by iRobot take away any pressure to work on Shabbat.

Kosher iPhone: The future is here and it’s called the iPhone. iBlessing and ParveOMeter are two amazing iPhone/iTouch apps to appease the yiddishkeit desire to introduce efficiency into the Jewish lifestyle. Future apps that I would like to see include the Modeh Ani alarm clock and a call-your-mother app that sends pre-recorded voicemails to your mom, letting her know you haven’t dropped out of med school (yet)!

Insta-Conversion: Utilizing the power of the Internet, we can completely re-think how new Jews are brought into the Tribe. The general requirements are a pre-interview, some kind of Judaism 101 class, Bet Din, bris, mikvah and a public ceremony. If we break this down, we find that most of this can be done quickly and efficiently, utilizing e-technology. Pre-conversion interviews between rabbi and convert can easily be done via IM or Skype. Classes can be modeled after distance learning with e-books to read and online exams. The Bet Din can be turned into a teleconference, or again, another Skype adventure. The bris (for men) and mikvah would need to be in person, but as far as I’m concerned a public ceremony could be a mass update on your Facebook/Myspace/Twitter. We could also use webcams to broadcast this event.

Stay tuned; I am sure I’ll come up with more.

Originally posted on Jewcy.com and photo stolen from Scienceandhalacha.org

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Passover: Bah, Humbug!

I’m with my wife at the grocery store last year when we past by a dueling row of aisles. On one side, an orgy of pastel baskets filled with chocolate eggs and toys. On the other side, the bread of affliction.

My wife turned to me and said, “see, this is why Judaism isn’t the fastest growing religion in the world. Does this look fun to you??”

And she’s right. Passover kinda sucks.

Passover has had a few cool marketing makeovers through the years including:

The Maxwell House coffee Haggadah, which you can find in piles of thirty to fifty in the attic of every Ashkenazic Jewish woman over fifty-five.

The Chocolate Seder, which I believe was introduced by the Reform movement when someone realized, “hey, the Christians have eggs, too!”

The Rugrats Passover Episode, Let My Babies Go!, which is only rivaled by the Rugrats Hanukkah episode and that episode of Hey Arnold where the school bully has his bar mitzvah.

I’ve had several friends tell me that Passover is their favorite Jewish holiday. I even had a rabbi tell me that, according to his opinion, Passover should be the start of the calendar year because apparently it was at some point until the Apple-and-Honey-Festival kicked it out.

Frankly, though, I really don’t like Passover. Matzah doesn’t thrill me. The seder isn’t that meaningful to me. Really, my favorite parts of Passover are the mad rush of Orthodox women in my neighborhood fighting through the kosher section and the corn-syrup free Coca Cola that has those yellow caps we know and love.

Is there something wrong with me that the Hillel sandwich and opening the door for the prophet Elijah just doesn’t do anything for me?

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Why Do People Love Chabad So Much?

I know a lot of people who would give their life for Chabad. And for a long time, I never understood why. These people aren’t orthodox. But Chabad is the greatest thing to them since sliced bread and is responsible for anything that they do in the realm of Jewish. On top of that, our boy Shmuley Boteach recently wrote that Judaism is under “Chabadization”.

Why do people love Chabad so much? I think it’s because Chabad know’s they’re awesome and don’t give a damn what you think.

Take a look at the first sentence of the Chabad FAQ page:

Chabad-Lubavitch is a philosophy, a movement, and an organization. It is considered to be the most dynamic force in Jewish life today.

I like how assertive that is! Frankly, it’s manly. If Chabad were a man, it would be the kind of man that other men want to be and that women want to have a one-night stand with.

Compare that to statements on the Reform website:

The great contribution of Reform Judaism is that it has enabled the Jewish people to introduce innovation while preserving tradition, to embrace diversity while asserting commonality, to affirm beliefs without rejecting those who doubt, and to bring faith to sacred texts without sacrificing critical scholarship.

This statement really bothers me because it’s boring. But also, its tone is very apologetic. It’s like the Reform movement is sorry that it’s innovating and that it promises it’s still traditional Judaism. I think more people would support the Reform movement if their statement said, “look, this isn’t Orthodoxy. This isn’t Israeli-approved Torah derech. Deal with it. We’re 40% of the population and growing.”

OK, so what does the Conservative/Masorti movement have to say for itself?

What is Masorti Judaism? This is not an easy question to answer.

Wow. You are part of something and you can’t even explain it. Maybe that’s why Conservative Judaism is in decline.

Chabad has taken over the Jewish world because it’s bold. You may not like it, but it doesn’t care. And people, I think, respect that. No one likes a wimp.

So my question is this: why is Chabad so bold and why are the other movements (Orthodox and otherwise) so passive?

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Judaism In 30 Seconds

There’s a Cold War between all the different Jewish educational sites over who can give the fastest explanations of Jewish law, holidays, texts and other Jewish topics. Here at PunkTorah, we subscribe to the Index Card approach to Judaism: if it can’t be explained on the space of an index card, it’s not worth thinking about. In that spirit, I present to you Judaism In 30 Seconds. You can watch more videos by visiting PunkTorah TV.

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My Dog Ate My Tefillin (Seriously, She Did)

My life is blessed by the presence of my wonderful pug named Potato (Hebrew Name: Latke bat Adam v’Chana).

My dog is crate trained, meaning that when I am out of the house or sleeping, she sleeps in a metal crate with her bed, food, water and toys. Seems to keep her out of trouble. It also teaches her to go to the bathroom when we let her out: an almost impossible task for some rescue animals who have a hard time adjusting to a schedule.

Today I felt like a bad Pug Dad. I had been out of the house all day for meetings, going to the bank, grocery shopping, etc. So I thought, “heck, why not let her run around the house. What’s the worst that can happen?”

The worst did happen.

I came home, and my dog was chewing my tefillin. The entire front of the shel rosh (the head piece) had been chewed to the point that it looked like pale chewing gum. I yelled, “Potato! No! Bad dog!” She looked at me with fear in her eyes, slightly peed on the couch, and ran away as I leaped toward my mangled Judaica.

But I have to say, the dog taught me a few wonderful Torah lessons:

Guard the Mitzvah. That’s where Shomer (honor/defend) the Shabbat comes in. It’s important to really remember what Shabbat is. It’s not just Friday night, folks. In the same light, I should have guarded my tefillin and not left them sitting out on the coffee table.

Be Good to Animals. Human beings have dominion over the earth (Parshat Bereshit). And the second portion of Bereshit (Genesis), Noah cared for the animals on the ark.

Chill Out. In another nod to Noah, the tefillin is a box holding prayer. The ark was a box, too, holding the prayer that life at it’s worse will still survive and carry on. Too, my inner voice was saying, “dude, calm down. It’s not the end of the world. The waters will subside, eventually.”

But in case you want to see the damage, watch this fun and informative video:

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Cycle of Violence (Parshat Bereshit)

Is Bereshit really the beginning of the Torah? Why does G-d use violence to punish humanity? Is there a Kabbalistic way of understanding all this? Alterna-Rebbe Michael says yes…

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Eat, Pray, Fight…With Your Wife (Parshat Ki Tavo)

What Do Apples, Prayer and Fighting With Your Girlfriend Have In Common? (Ki Tavo)

I’m psyched about Rosh Hashanah. I’m supposed to say that for spiritual reasons. But really, I like apples and honey.

This week’s Torah portion is about fruit. The first fruit, in fact. We’re supposed to give that up as a sacrifice to G-d. And, surprise, G-d will bless us. Kinda anti-climactic, but not every part of the Torah makes for good TV.

We’re always giving sacrifices to G-d. Animals, plants…heck, one time there was child sacrifice (luckily that worked out OK). It made sense back then to sacrifice animals and plants because we lived in a farm-based economy. Our whole lives were what we had to eat (and for most Jews, it still is!)

I don’t own a farm. I’m not sure I know what “threshing” means and half the Shabbat prohibitions don’t apply to me because I’m not into skinning animals and preparing hide. But I still have to give sacrifices.

The solution: prayer. Our economy now is Time and People Centered. Time, because time is money. And people centered, because our talent, our energy, our ideas, our creativity are the fuel for the economy…not vineyards and pastures. Prayer is a sacrifice because it takes away our time and it also takes away our ability to think about ourselves and all the things that we want at that moment. We’re giving it up for the Lord. And what are the “first fruits” of prayer? Well you guessed it: the Shacharit service! The morning prayer is the first fruit of the day; the first chance that we get to think about ourselves. Instead, we get to think about G-d.

Speaking of this morning, my girlfriend woke me up at 6AM after I had only slept for a few hours last night. She bought some clothes for me at Target and wanted to see how they fit…but I was tired and grumpy and told her to leave me alone. But finally I relented and tried the clothes on. I could have been a total jerk, but the first fruit of the day was having a happy spouse, and even though at the time I was mad and wanted to go back to sleep, I’m glad I tried the clothes on because my girlfriend has more control over my life than anyone else does (sorry HaShem, but you know it’s true) so I’m glad I could give her the first fruit of my day…because she blesses me all the time! And I got a new pair of pants.

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How To Start An Online Syangogue…Part I

Originally posted on Jewcy.

Once upon a time, a group of people decided to start an online synagogue called OneShul. This independent minyan consisted of two buddies in Atlanta (a graphic designer and his weirdly Type-A musician friend) and all their friends that they met online who loved Judaism and were a little different in their own, unique ways.

In a chat room attached to their temporary cyber sanctuary the friends talked about what they wanted the synagogue to look like, feel like, and how they wanted to be represented as a community. They knew they wanted, more than anything, for the world to know that you can have a Jewish community on the internet that is just as good as any JCC or million-dollar synagogue down the street.

So they did what any reasonable group would do: they started an IndieGoGo page to raise money to make their shul happen.

Stay tuned for details as they happen…

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Jew Sounds: Three Minute Dance Party

Sunday! Sunday! Sunday! Emily Saex gives you her top three Jewish songs, each week with a different theme.

Three Minute Dance Party – The Soundtrack for a Most Excellent Bedroom Dance Party

Can!! Can – “God Lives in NYC”
Time to get your indie shake on kids, whether you’re at home and sliding around the foyer a la Footloose or at a hipster house party sippin’ on PBR and trying to get the party started. And no I didn’t just write this cuz Patrick Aleph is in the band. This song is good! You want this, you need this. Check it out for yourself and when your whole body starts spazzing uncontrollably, in an ever so hip fashion of course, you’ll thank me.

DJ OokRoo – “Manginot”
I came across this gem on the Shemspeed audio player and I kept coming back to it. This LA duo has created what Hadag Nachash, Kanye (a la College Dropout) and Calle 13′s female backing vocalist only WISH would be their song lovechild. This song makes me want to pop and lock right in the middle of Starbucks. Ain’t no shame in my game.

Electro Morocco – “Joe Pill”
Right from the first second of this song hips will begin swaying and shoulders will be shaking. hands will go up in the air and you can bet your damn Keffiyeh that they’ll be waving them like they just don’t care. This is street festival stylee beats right here, where even the most shy dancers will let loose.

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