Since writing my first glossary of words used by Jews-For-A-Living (aka Jewish Communal Professionals), I’ve been hit with a million other suggestions for words that I missed. So here’s a few that got away last time and deserve to be mentioned. And once again, because people get their tzitzits in a twist…it’s all in good fun.
Young Jewish Professional: anyone who has a worthy job in the Jewish community, ages 21-35. You’re out of college (or about to be) and you work a job that requires you to wear a suit and tie. Your Blackberry (or iPhone if you’re in an “edgy” career like advertising or marketing) is filled with last names that end with -stein, -berg, -man or -feld, all of whom are ready to give you a great deal on whatever it is that you want. You volunteer for at least two Jewish non-profits, which includes at least one Young Jewish Professionals Group such as Birthright Israel Next or something at the JCC or a synagogue.
“The Young Jewish Professionals group of Congregations Beth Israel will be meeting at TGI Fridays the first Thursday of the month to discuss networking opportunities in the Jewish community.”
Networking Events: any excuse to eat, drink, meet people and sell something (including yourself). The domain of Young Jewish Professionals, networking events are usually sponsored by Jewish organizations, with the idea that by facilitating something, they’ll attract attention to their organization (read: get you to give them money or volunteer) but also look good in the community. It’s a great place to hook up, but it’s a bad place to promote anything because at the end of the night you can never remember anyone fully or what it is that they wanted. You also come home with a billion business cards for organizations and services you really don’t care about at all. Networking events also have a guest speaker, who is usually someone Jewish (in last name only) but has some level of financial success and gives a half-way decent Tony Robbins-style motivational speech.
“Federation will be sponsoring a Networking Event on Tuesday. Guests are encouraged to dress their best as they sample the finest treats from Nancy’s Noshes. Our guest speaker with be Adam Klein, CEO of Insert-Important-Sounding-Company to talk about ‘Following Your Dreams of Success In the Age of the Internet’”.
Marketing Director: the person who makes lame things sound more fun. Usually a hot girl (Sephardic girls are great at this) or a guy who knows how to DJ. This person pretends that their job isn’t fundraising, but it really is…plainly due to the fact that they are always trying to get you to “sponsor” something. They have more Facebook friends than Steve Jobs and Tweet every second of their lives (checking in at nightclubs via Foursquare is the new thing), and they also travel a lot for “meetings” that no one can ever explain. They also like to use the word “exposure” and the phrase “get your name out there” a lot.
“Yo, this is Kevin, the marketing director at Insert-Hip-Sounding-Jewish-Organization. Hey dawg, I just wanted to get you in on this mad cool party we’re hosting. I’m gonna DJ some hot tracks I heard when I was in Tel Aviv last month and the local Hillel is sponsoring a latke eating contest. You’ll really get a lot of exposure and get your name out there if you become a sponsor. It’s only $2000, which isn’t much since 100 people will be there.”
Matisyahu: G-d. Matisyahu is non-profit G-d. If you can get Matisyahu to come to your event, it’s like you have some kind of iPhone that can call HaShem directly. Also, everyone claims they’ve “done some stuff” with Matisyahu, but it’s probably a lie because he seems really shy and reserved.
“Yeah Matisyahu is gonna be at the Young-Jewish-Professionals-Event. You know I hung out with him once for like, a whole weekend…we’ve done some stuff…a few projects. There’s a picture of us together on Facebook. OK, not really…I just saw him at Jewlicious that one time. But he did nod at me when I went ‘woohoo’ at him on Shabbos.”
Adult Learning: usually involves a rabbi that wants to pimp his/her non-profit or synagogue to some new people, but needs an avenue to do it that isn’t too obvious. It’s also a great tool for fund raising. If the teacher isn’t a rabbi or some kind of important sounding person, it usually shocks people because, as we all know, Judaism is a meritocracy.
“We’re doing some great Adult Learning Programs at Temple Blah-Blah-Blah including a class on making challah that’s taught by a five star chef who was on Food Network once.”
Kosher: something that annoys Jewish non-profits. Most Jews don’t keep kosher, but feel this obligation to have food brought in from kosher caterers just-in-the-off-chance that someone complains. Ironically, most of the JCCs that you go to do not have kosher kitchens, which defies logic or financial sense, considering that catering costs major bucks but throwing your pots and pans in the mikvah is only about $75 (Atlanta pricing). Also, no one has any idea what the term “glatt” means, but it sounds important so meat is always glatt.
“All of the food at the Young Jewish Professionals Networking Event is catered by Kornblatt’s kosher glatt deli. The guest speaker is Rabbi Yehuda Feldman who will be speaking on Jewish Business Ethics and the marketing director, Kevin Scherr, who just got off tour with Matisyahu is going to be DJing the event all night long…or at least until everyone has to go to bed.”
