B"H

Traif: Williamsburg Restaurant Devoted to Pork and Shellfish

Originally Posted at FrumSatire

Traif is a new restaurant that says it is going to celebrate pork and shellfish and I find it really funny, some of you may find it sad that a Jewish guy is opening up a restaurant devoted to his favorite foods which happen to be the farthest from kosher you can possibly get, but I just find it hilarious and anyone who eats vegetarian out can’t go there and try some of that left wing modern orthodox funny stuff because everything is Traif @ Traif.

Thanks to the first commenter I decided to add what I would do if I were to open a mamish Traif restaurant.

Heshy Fried has decided to open the worlds first all Traif Restaurant:

Featuring favorites such as non-bodek lettuce, unchecked strawberries in a non-mevushel vinaigrette.

We even have cholov yisroel hard cheese made from rennet.

Be sure to check out the weekly mothers milk specials – including kid goat cooked in mothers milk and roast brisket of beef cooked like bubbe used to make it with the added flavor of cholov yisroel milk.

We have pas yisroel and yoshon flour, don’t worry someone took challah but it was baked on shabbos by Jews.

Our Salad bar features many choices of unchecked leafy greens that are sure to add crunch with all those invisible bugs that we didn’t wash off.

Our water is unfiltered even though we are located in Brooklyn where the infestation happened.

Those blood spots in your omelet add a real flavor.

We bet you never had glatt kosher pork before, all the mooms and chalev has been removed.

Chassidishe shechita filet minion.

A full desert menu featuring triangle-K favorites such as little debbie cakes, wonder bread french toast and motts applesauce.

All of our wine is non-mevushal and we make sure to have idol worshipers open the bottles and look at the wine before it’s served.

A mashgiach temidi is on hand to make sure our products are as traif as possible – he is a certified apikorus, kofer and one of the last remaining believers of Shabetai Tzvi.

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Parshat Shemini

Eco-Kosher, kashrut and your daily life. Watch out for that fire!

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I Love Pesach

(Originally Posted On FrumSatire)

By Heshy Fried

I absolutely love long Jewish holidays like Pesach. I know that many folks can’t wait for it to be over, whenever someone says that on shabbos I want to smack them, you can’t talk about such holiness like shabbos and say that you want it over with already – why are you keeping shabbos if you hate it and don’t believe in it’s healing properties? But Pesach heartache is understandable, people just can’t go that long without pizza, can they? I surely can (I haven’t had milchigs in 2 months, I miss it dearly), yes it’s a royal pain to eat overpriced chocolate bars for energy on long distant hikes and bike rides, but I deal and I love Pesach in all of its 8 days of glory. I also work for a company that gave me off for all of Pesach, I could understand the pain that people have when they have to use up all of their vacation days for Jewish holidays, although they might want to have the thought that they wouldn’t have that job unless God wanted them to and therefore God knew they would have to give up their vacation days willingly to please him.

I used to hate the seder, I think it could be better, probably because most people don’t really do the seder right, they tell technical divrei torah which have nothing to do with telling the story of leaving Egypt and then they sing traditional songs while the people who can read super fast go about it on their own. I guess I wish sedarim were a bit more interactive and actually did make children ask question – because I have seen that maybe twice, it seems that children only ask questions because in yeshiva they tell you that children are supposed to ask questions.

Think about it, the story of the Jews leaving Egypt is probably the most kick-ass story in biblical Judaism, Chanukah, Shavuos and Purim don’t come close to Pesach, they don’t have as much action going down. I like to think that the story of the Jews leaving Egypt starts with the story of Yosef and his brothers, which could be made into a movie, simply amazing the drama of that story. Then the pharaoh getting all hard on the Jews, flip flopping his political views kind of like Obama on Israel and then we build the pyramids which are super cool, although using babies as stones isn’t cool. The plagues, holy crap people, I can’t believe that during the seder, the attention of the plagues is lost on a little dabbing of wine and proclaiming the plagues – we should talk about this stuff, it’s super cool and everyone out of yeshiva doesn’t talk about it for 2 months leading up to Pesach.

What I really want to know is what other plagues were there? I always hear about these midrashim that say there were a slew of plagues besides for the ten biggies. Did everyone’s clothing burn up in the middle of the marketplace forcing everyone to walk back home naked? Did the camels start eating people? Maybe they ran out of parking spots and everyone had to circle their camels for days just to find one.

“Let My People Go” is probably the most bad-ass line in the whole torah, it’s not even made up, it’s right there in the scripture, not some Charleton Heston line. Did you ever think about the fact that pretty much everyone was black in Egypt, wasn’t Moshe Rabeinu black, that means everyone was way cooler than we can even imagine.

The splitting of the sea, that alone is enough to excite any scientist into explaining the prevailing winds and how they must have blown hard enough to split the sea. I do love how non-believing scientists have tried to explain how splitting of the sea were possible in a book they view as mythological, do their endowments and grants fund mythological explorations? I remember sitting in ninth grade learning about how any Jew could reach into the water and pull out whatever they wanted, I was sitting in class daydreaming about walking on the sea bed, chugging a mountain dew that I had just pulled out of the wall of water and thinking about which Ben and Jerrys flavor I wanted to pull out next, as I was day dreaming I was wondering if the ground was muddy and if the Jews were all wearing Tevas or Birkenstock sandals.

I also look forward to Peach because to me it’s like having a bunch of shabbosim in a row. I know a lot of people don’t like the whole shabbos chol hamoid thing because they want to be able to hit p as many Boro Park carnivals, Lipa Schmeltzer shows and kosher circuses as possible. I wonder if the “things to do on pesach sections” in those free community advertisement books they have in heimishe establishments are cut down this year, although they usually include the same things every year. I can sum it up for you, you can go to the Liberty Science Center, Ellis Island, The Tenement Museum, The Museum of Natural History and Uncle Moishes Carnival on 13th avenue and 44th street.

Pesach has a shorter less physically intensive davening than succos, although I still love succos and it’s my favorite holiday for obvious reasons (outdoors nut and honey on challah lover here) I still like Pesach for its length, one of the reasons I dislike shavuos and Rosh Hashanah are their lack of length, the first day is always warm up and by the time you’re in spiritual high mode everyone’s making havdalah, I know that both Shavuos and Rosh Hashanah have the days leading up to them that are supposed to put us in that frame of mind – but I need a little more starting time. Of course Pesach has starting time because of shabbos hagadol (where I was this shabbos doesn’t even have shul on shabbos afternoon) and cleaning my car and apartment for chometz got me in the Pesach frame of mind hey isn’t that a Billy Joel song?

I am not one for spending holidays with family, mostly because my family lives in a place I find kills my spiritual state and makes me hate being religious, except before my dad got remarried and I would take him with me to my friends houses. Actually one of the things I dread about marriage is falling in love with a girl from a place that I don’t care for. The last two years I did Pesach with one of my best buds in Denver, he would set up all the meals so that we could get the best food and company at the same time – I am the same way with meal settings, there is a lot of detail that goes into spending shabbos or a holiday somewhere, it’s never simple. This year I am staying in Northern California and looking forward to my first two days in San Francisco, and the last two days in the Sierra Nevada near Tahoe where I plan to try out my hand at gold panning.

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It's Punk Rock to be Wicked

(YentaPunker)

Hurry and clean the bread out of your homes! Quick! Those bagels are about to become the very link to your own personal disconnect with Hashem. What? No bagels? That’s fine, a breakfast burrito or some pancakes will do. Yeah, right! Welcome to Passover! Carbohydrates in some of their best forms become sinful thoughts for eight days.

For two nights (the two seders), we find ourselves surrounded by family and friends. For some, it’s a joy. For many, it’s a challenge. For few, it may be the only Jewish experience we have all year. The way we handle our Judaism can also be compared to the four sons mentioned in the Haggadah. The four sons are: the wise (“Chacham” in Hebrew) , the simple (or lazy, “Tam” in Hebrew), the wicked (“Rasha” in Hebrew) and the silent (“She’aino Yodea Lishol” in Hebrew, meaning “The Son who Doesn’t Know Enough to Ask”).

Many people focus on the one who does not know how to ask. Ironically, however, many of us at the table are actually the wicked son. I mean, if you’re at the table, you probably have the idea you’re Jewish right? It is exactly this that keeps sites like our very own Punktorah.com alive. For many Jews, you have sat year after year at a shabbos table or a Passover seder and thought “Why am I here?”  You know at least the most basic of laws and you might even attend young adult events or have hit a Hillel in college or a BBYO event in your teen years of punk rock rebellion.

What is crucial to understand about all these sons (or daughters… I mean, I am a YENTApunker… not a MENCHEpunker) is that each has a place at the table. What Jewish person wouldn’t have enough food for one more extra person anyway? Yet, it is the wicked son that seems to be embraced by many of us though.  The wicked thinks the laws apply to other Jews, but not themselves.

Situation: It’s a Monday morning and after a long night of punk rock craziness you ignored your alarm. You’re now totally screwed and cannot make it to work on time. You throw on a shirt that is only moderately wrinkled, hop in your economy vehicle, and speed to work.

Now, it is highly possible that a police officer never catches you on the way to work. However, Hashem sees everything.  He knows that you’re aware you’re breaking laws and putting yourself or others at risk. If you continue to speed, knowing the legal limit, you too fit in the wicked category.

Why would I want to label many of my loved ones as wicked and not the wise or the simple? Well… it seems so much nicer to realize we all have an ability to grow. The wise son almost implies we have nothing left to learn. However, our neshamas have much to learn and can always learn more. Many of us are not simple. We are not lazy, we are functioning in the secular and the Jewish community. The long hours of Tikkun Olam have to count for something right? But wicked, many of us proudly are, despite the connotation.

Wicked sounds so unpleasant, but I implore you challenge the connotation and see its beauty.  Embrace the idea that you might learn something at the table or that you might have it in you to learn something this year. Being wicked doesn’t have to be looked upon as bad. Acknowledge and embrace your wickedness. Enjoy it, but use it to identify where you can grow spiritually.

Overall, the laws do apply to us all. This Pesach try and find one law to learn. Hell, pick up some Leviticus and read. It won’t hurt you anymore than those commercials for Viagra do. I mean, if it’s from Hashem  it’s perfect right? So nourish your spiritual roots in four glasses of wine and remember, it’s punk rock to be wicked.

L’Chaim and Chag Sameach!

You’ll never find a better sparring partner than adversity.
-Golda Meir

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IndieYeshiva Presents: Passover!

Join Patrick and Michael as they talk about Pesach as they journey out of Egypt! Pesach is celebrated from March 29 through April 6 2010. Don’t forget to sell your chametz!

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Sandwiches: The Future of Judaism?

Sandwiches: The Future of Judaism?

I’m sitting in the Green Sage Coffee House & Cafe in Asheville, NC. Staring at me, on a plate next to some sweet potato French fries, is the future of Judaism.

I’m talking about the tempeh reuben.

Like the sandwich that came before, the tempeh reuben is two pieces of grilled rye bread, delicately holding a symphony of sauerkraut, thousand island dressing and Swiss cheese. The twist: instead of a pile of corned beef, this sandwich is filled with tempeh, an earthy, Indonesian export brought to us by the hippies.

The reuben, like many Jewish icons, is not exactly Jewish. Some sources say it came from Omaha, the least Jewish place in the world, and others claim proudly that it was a New York creation. Either way, the sandwich that would become a staple in “kosher style” delis is not even kosher. Meat and milk, simple as that. Yet, to many people, the reuben is a Jewish icon.

This is the first truly kosher reuben I have ever seen. No meat/milk issues here. Just some sliced, grilled, fermented soy goodness piled high with all the trimmings. And I realize, in a moment before my bracha (prayer) over my meal, that this culinary masterpiece is an edible example of what Judaism will be for my generation.

When the cooks made this sandwich, they weren’t interested in my level of kosher or my Jewish identity. They were interested in taking something that they liked (the reuben) and making it work in their vegetarian diet. But by accident, they took an unkosher symbol of the Jewish tradition, and they made it kosher. By looking forward into the future, they managed to connect me with the most traditional form of Jewish expression.

This, to me, is how Judaism will work in the future. Taking what you love, and spinning it in a way that may not seem Jewish, but actually turns out to be more Jewish than you can imagine. What is Jewish about tempeh? Everything! The Jewish connection to the Earth, to treating animals fairly, to innovation, to blessing our food and to the tradition of kashrut.

My argument is simple: these vegetarian, hippie, Buddha worshiping, coffee shop people got me to connect with a religious tradition that is older and farther removed from the lives of my generation that they can ever imagine. Who cares how they did it? At this moment, looking at this dripping sandwich, I have had a Jewish “a-ha!” moment that rivals anything I have had in most synagogues I have visited.

So thank you to the fine cooks, servers and baristas at Green Sage for making me feel more Jewish by screwing up a sandwich!

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I'm Pissed Off At Judaism: A Rant on Progressive Judaism and Spirituality

“I have been thinking a lot about Judaism, and I’m kind of pissed at it right now.”

This IM from my friend Sarah* was strangely startling. She had a stressful weekend, and she needed to relax. She smoked pot, turned off all her electronics, and it was “the most spiritual thing [she had] done in a long time.”

The best part came when Sarah told me she had a religious epiphany over fruit. “I ate an orange. I peeled the orange and realized that it was probably the closest to G-d a food can be, because it was so protected from the rest of the world. So I said a bracha (prayer) over it.”

(Click Here To Read More)

*My friend’s name was changed to protect the innocent

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The Ultimate Passover Guide for Vegetarians and Vegans

(This is a great posting from our friend Michael Croland at heeb’n'vegan with some excellent resources for a vegetarian or vegan Pesach. We [PunkTorah] are having a vegetarian Seder meal next week! I would like to personally strongly recommend the recipe here for vegetarian chopped liver. It is awesome! Most people can’t even tell the difference! My wife is a chopped liver connoisseur and she actually prefers this version over the real thing now!

-Michael)

Passover is not the most glorious time to be vegetarian or vegan. This guide provides helpful tips for making Passover as painless as possible. The bulk of it focuses on following Sephardic guidelines, which allow some foods that Ashkenazi Jews don’t eat on Passover. If you’re an Ashkenazi Jew who refuses to adhere to Sephardic guidelines, skip to the last section for tips that everyone can enjoy.

Deciding Whether to Eat Kitniyot on Passover
I am an Ashkenazi Jew, and until my first Passover as a vegetarian at age 16, I followed the Ashkenazi tradition of avoiding kitniyot (including rice, corn, beans, lentils, peas, string beans, and seeds) on Passover. When I went vegetarian, I reasoned that kitniyot were a key source of protein and I’d be better off following Sephardic guidelines, which permit kitniyot. I wasn’t particularly observant, and frankly, I didn’t care about the Ashkenazi-Sephardic divide.

As the years went by, I realized that my willingness to eat kitniyot despite being Ashkenazi wasn’t so far-fetched. In 1989, a ruling by the Israeli Conservative movement said that all Israelis could eat kitniyot on Passover “without fear of transgressing any prohibition.” In 1997, Rabbi David Golinkin (representing the Rabbinical Assembly of Israel) issued a ruling supporting the elimination of the Ashkenazi custom of avoiding kitniyot on Passover. Several years ago, Rabbi David Bar-Hayim of Jerusalem formally lifted a ban on kitniyot in Israel. While there isn’t unanimity in Israel, the Forward reported a year ago, “According to some experts on changes in religious law, we are witnessing the beginning of the end for the ban on kitniyot in Israel.”

I concede that I am Ashkenazi, not Sephardic, and that I live in the U.S., not Israel. I concede that I have no rabbinic or other authority to tell people how to act on this issue. Nevertheless, I am utterly comfortable eating kitniyot on Passover and I encourage other Ashkenazi Jews, particularly vegetarians and vegans, to look into the matter for themselves.

For the last couple of years, I have run into numerous obstacles in trying to find a definitive standard for Sephardic kosher-for-Passover guidelines in the U.S. Long story short, I am under the impression that the Jersey Shore Orthodox Rabbinate (JSOR) offers the definitive guidelines for Sephardic/Mizrachi Jews who eat kitniyot on Passover. There appears to be no other similar document by any leading kashrut certification organization or general Sephardic community.

JSOR Guidelines
I will do my best to give an overview of JSOR’s “2010 Recommended Passover Product List for Sephardic Communities,” but I encourage people to rely on the primary source, not my summary. These guidelines are intended for 2010 only, as JSOR issues updates each year. JSOR explains its position as follows:

Since Sephardic Jews have different customs and traditional foods than our Ashkenaz brothers, this list is designed to serve those whose custom includes the consumption of Kitniyot, or legumes on the holiday. Since the majority of Jews in America are of Ashkenaz descent, the major Kashrut organizations only certify those items that are permissible for them. We have included those items, and as well have listed those foods that are permissible without special Kosher for Passover (KFP) symbols. . . .

[Hametz are any] any foods or food products, which contain ingredients, derived from one of the following fermented cereal grains: wheat, barley, oats, spelt or rye are forbidden on Passover. Even foods that contain minute amounts of [hametz], or foods which are processed on utensils which are used for other [hametz]-containing foods, are not permissible for Passover use. Many Sephardim have the custom of eating different legumes or kitniyot and foods that are derived from them. Even in the Syrian community, there are differences in customs as to which legumes are used.

The idea here is that even if it’s OK to eat beans, you can’t eat a processed-soy veggie burger. Some products are fine in their raw, unadulterated elements but not when they’re enriched with hametz. The following are some of the guidelines to navigate through the nuances of kitniyot:

* Cereal: Cold cereals like cornflakes and Rice Krispies have malt added to them and are therefore hametz. JSOR adds, “We strongly suggest that even those cereals in which the listed ingredients are 100% kosher for Passover, should not be used as they are in constant contact with grains that are real [hametz].” Look for a kosher-for-Passover hechsher.
* Milk Alternatives: For soy milk, the only acceptable varieties are Soy Dream Brand Original Unenriched Soy Milk, Vitasoy Brand Sansui Original Natural Soymilk, and Zendon Soy Plain (not enriched). For rice milk, the original plain variety is acceptable for Nature’s Place, Nature’s Promise, RicePure, Shoprite, Wild Harvest, and Wild Oats brands. For almond milk, only Blue Diamond brand Almond Breeze is permitted (although almonds in their unadulterated form are acceptable even for Ashkenazi Jews). The JSOR guidelines include recipes for homemade rice and almond milks.
* Oil: Pure corn, soybean, canola, or vegetable oils are acceptable so long as they do not include citric acid.
* Rice: For white rice, any unenriched or organic rice is fine; the only acceptable types of enriched white rice are the Carolina, Goya, Mahatma, Publix, River, Riceland, Blue Diamond, WaterMaid, Success, Carolina Gold (parboiled), and Uncle Ben’s brands. For brown rice, any brand without additives is acceptable. For Basmati rice, Deer brand or any unenriched variety is OK. JSOR says that any kind of pure wild rice is acceptable and that it is from the grass family “and not a legume at all.”
* Seeds: Flax and hemp seeds are explicitly permitted.
* Soy Foods: JSOR says that “while actual soybeans are permissible for most Sephardim, products made of soy, such as soy sauce, TVP and tofu, are forbidden. These products are made through extraction methods that use grain alcohol in the processing of the soybeans.”

Tips for Vegetarians (and Meat-Eaters) Regardless of Whether They Eat Kitniyot

* If you’re going to a seder where you expect to be the only vegetarian or vegan there, talk to the host in advance and offer to bring a vegan dish with you. You’ll guarantee that you’ll have enough to eat, and you’ll also get to expose people to meat-free eating.
* Consider using quinoa instead of other grains on Passover. According to the Orthodox Union, “Quinoa is not one of the five grains that can create chametz (wheat, oat, barley, spelt and rye). Nonetheless, there is a difference of opinion among Rabbinic decisors (machloketh haposkim) as to whether quinoa is considered kitniyoth (Ashkenazic custom is not to eat kitniyoth on Pesach). We suggest asking your local Orthodox Rabbi if it is or is not kitniyot.”
* Nuts are an indisputable source of plant protein on Passover. Check out Zel Allen’s heebnvegan guest post about nut-based cuisine. There’s so much more you can do with nuts than just eating a handful of them, throwing them in a salad, or eating leftover charoset.
* Take the opportunity to embrace raw foods. Click here to read Robin Silberman’s 2009 heebnvegan guest post, “Passover From a Living Foods Perspective.”
* Read Isa Chandra Moskowitz’s 2007 heebnvegan guest post, “Cooking Up a Vegan Passover.”
* Read Jenny Goldberg’s 2008 heebnvegan guest post, “Vegan Passover Guide for Hungry Jews.”
* Get a copy of Deborah Wasserman’s No Cholesterol Passover Recipes or Roberta Kalechofsky’s The Vegetarian Pesach Cookbook.
* Click here to read vegan Passover recipes from PETA and here to read vegetarian Passover recipes from Jewish Vegetarians of North America.

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PunkTorah: What Is The Bracha For Vegan Pizza?

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PunkTorah: Eli Winkelman-Challah For Hunger

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