I’ve neglected going to services lately because I am really not comfortable there. We go in, we pick up a siddur, we sit down, and invariably our daughter either wakes up or jumps down and starts running around. All the old bubbies start to murmur and give us dirty looks and then my wife has to escort the little vilde chaya out the door while I stay and daven alone. This is fine. It is routine and I expect it, though I’m saddened that we have to be separated during what I consider to be a both personally spiritually important time and a good spiritual environment for the kid.
My real disappointment lies in the way we are holding modern, “liberal-type” services. We all sit in rows in a fancy sanctuary, sing songs and follow along and do the “call and response” type of thing. We listen patiently as the leader drones in that “poetry/sing-songy/disingenuous” kind of high pitched voice. And it struck me that it was all so, for lack of a better word, “church-y”. I hated it. It feels like it is copying the Protestant style of Western church worship, from the music to the atmosphere. Someone at the service even made a comment (jokingly, I think) about being “quiet at church”. I thought to myself, “Shouldn’t this be different than church? Why are we trying to be like that? To fit in? No thanks.” We are different, and that should be a good thing. Jews always have been different. We’re iconoclasts! We break down walls and smash idols! Heck, we’re different from each other! You know that old chestnut, “two Jews, three opinions”!
My first exposure to a Chabad type service was really, interesting. We were on vacation, so we went somewhere we normally wouldn’t have gone. This was very different. Everyone seemed to be mumbling and shuckling and I had no idea where I was in the service. After fifteen minutes I gave up trying and I just followed along as best I could. The shaliach’s kids came right up to him and he would pick up the little ones in between prayers. It was pretty overwhelming and a disorienting.
The same type of thing happened later when I was at a much smaller minyan and everyone was davening at different speeds. I got flustered and frustrated. I even got mad at the guy next to me for going so fast and not doing it “right”. After thinking later about why I got angry, what about everyone not praying together made me some upset, I figured it out.
Jacob Siegel, in a fantastic post you should check out, put it like this:
In the middle of this cacophony of prayers, “I would form my own personal connection with G-d, and you, praying beside me, would do the same, and we would each be vocalizing at different paces, and we would each be inspiring the other to achieve a spiritual awareness that we would then carry throughout the day.” This is incredible to me. It is that independence in the midst of community, what I consider almost the definition of Yiddshkeit, that electrifies my neshama.
I’m not saying one way is right and the other wrong. I am saying that it is a shame if we are changing our nature to conform to an idea of what a progressive, liberal service should look like. Something that IndieYeshiva and PunkTorah are trying to do is to bring these ideas back into the way we “do” Jewish, and have them there for us, to make our Yiddishkeit genuine and real, and by “genuine and real” I don’t mean specifically that there is one right way to do things, but a way that resonates with our past. I’m taking about an Integral Judaism that would transcend and include the past (more on that in another post).
I would like to, if I may, let Mr. Siegel take us out, because any paraphrasing on my part would be just that, and I feel he puts is very eloquently:
‘When we pray, we share our energy. I davven, and you hear me and feel inspired, and I hear you and feel further inspired. Let’s thank our cantors for their efforts in service of us and G-d, and ask them to step down from the bimah and stand beside us, as we now all share together in our cleaving to G-d.”
Yasher Koach.
Michael ארי
Hey – This is something I’ve been thinking about a lot myself recently. Personally, I find that part of my connection to the service, part of how I connect is through the melodies. Maybe it goes back to the whole G-d reveals himself in the way easiest for the revealee to perceive so I see him in music and science, while others see him other ways. And it’s interesting because I’ve been reading a book on the subject (The Lord’s Song in a Strange Land by Rabbi Jeff Summit), and despite some methodolgical/academic quarrels I have, he points out that many reject the focus on music in the service which I enjoy so much. I guess de gustibus non desputandem…
- R
That’s a good point, about how G_d reveals himself to each of us in ways we are approachable by. I like the music and praying in song, I think that the melodies and the traditional music can awaken a memory or experience in our collective unconscious. I personally reject the adopting a Western, Protestant style approach, including having a single leader as focus of the entire service holding a function much like a priest. We don’t have priests anymore. We don’t have a clergy that acts as a mediator. We are approaching the Divine on our own, so I think that adopting such an attitude kind of pulls us away from our responsibility of being a “nation of priests”. We should approach davening as an audience with the King. We approach as a group but we are called individually.
I am reminded of going to services once, and there were people everywhere, scattered around the whole shul, working through the siddur, swaying, and davening with others walking around and doing other things. That had a huge effect on me. I love the idea of having a place that you can feel comfortable connecting with G_d at such a level and that this kind of thing is considered not only normal, but commonplace. You may say I’m a dreamer. I don’t think I’m the only one…
Michael ארי
One thing I love that we talked about before was the idea of having a service where people sit in a circle and look at each other, with the leader on the outside. It facilitates the friendly nature of Shabbos. And also, I hate the fact that the rabbi has to “force” people to shake hands with each other. It should come naturally to want to shake hands and befriend people…especially new people in a shul. Good work, Michael! You’re one insightful guy.
Michael- As much as I agree with you, my real concern is for Willow.
If the Jewish community is not embracing a child or finding a way to incorperate children inside the prayer service, it becomes a disconnect. It sends the message that adults daven and children aren’t even able. I for one think when a child is old enough to even pray for a new toy it’s heard loudly because the child acknowledges G-d. I am NOT pointing fingers at you or your wife for how you handle the situation. I too would probably do the same (sadly). It should be important for a shul to include people of all ages. All nishamas need their connection. Maybe we could ask a toy maker to create age appropriate religious activities for a child to do while in shul if they are unable to follow the service. As for infants, I realize a crying baby can be a distraction, but maybe they should make a family section or something, where all young families can sit. This would not only allow you and your wife to be together, but it would also make nice bonds for growing families at shul. Anyway, the points you make scream sensibility. Maybe there are solutions?
Thank you! Those are great ideas that should be (and will be if I have anything to say about it) explored as solutions to the issue at hand.
This particular issue is one of the larger issues that I see that these “types” of Judaism aren’t accepting or finding an adequate way to teach that children can davven too. I think that just having children around and even if they aren’t involved specifically, like given specific things to do, just putting them in that environment exposes them to the good things. Asking them to leave is not the way to go. Realizing that the next generation learns from watching us, allowing the children to be themselves and understanding that “themselves” is all we should expect from them. Let them run and explore and watch and get involved if they can. Don’t shut them out. If someone is being a distraction, adult or child, if they are yelling or knocking things over or fighting, whatever, yes they should be asked to behave. But expecting children to act like adults and kicking them out when they don’t is not the answer. I want Willow to grow up watching us pray. it is that simple. I know she is a child and that she is going to act like a child. That said, I want her in that environment as often as possible, involved in the cacophony of the service, having her little mind grow knowing that a connection with the Divine is not only available to her but her birthright. The reform community (and I say reform in the non organized sense, meaning not the movement, but the idea of reforming tradition to fit and assimilate) has turned a service of Jews calling out to G_d, debating, discussing, arguing, conceding, and bargaining with G_d into a church service where everyone has to sit down and sit still. And I fear that this movement towards this “church” style is symptomatic of a larger problem in “progressive” Judaism, the shift of focus from spiritual activism to social activism. There is nothing wrong with social activism, we need it. But imbalance is unhealthy either way. And when you throw G_d out, or at least marginalize It, then a strong sense of spirituality is seen as “strange” or “fanatical”. This is what I see as the larger problem in Judaism today.
Besides, I hate sitting still when I pray!
I guess they’re going to have to ask me to leave too!
-Michael
Michael I think you, your wife, Willow, and I should start a childrens movement.
I agree 100%
Just happened along your site after a series of strange events. Just happened to click on this. Well, we know everything has a reason.
I have always been hurtling toward a more religious lifestyle. My husband grew up in a situation where he was ostracized for being Jewish and so became hostile toward, well, everything. He has been more and more open, attending shul services on shabbos, minyans, we even became shomer shabbos… and then he got in an argument with some roudy kids at shul. Now he is totally turned off and even says he needs a break from Hashem. Trying to be supportive on my end. If there was a childrens’ movement, this probably would not have happened. Since there isn’t one… any advice?
I also happened along your site while i was looking for educational materials for school today (as a great Jewish educator i only prepare my Tzedakah session for school three hours before it starts) myself i’m liberal in my thought but traditional in prayer. in many Reform shulls in England there is children service in one specific orthodox shull after the kids service one or two of the kids joine the main service and speak about what they learned today about the parasha and how it’s relevant to their life -a dedicate parent can do that.
we’re loosing many Jewish children that grow up thinking that religion is a chore. Judaism is something to celebrate and this is what i’m trying to teach in my work – thanks for this great website and the invigorating debates i came across (and for the tzedakah youtube i’m going to show in school today – crediting you of course)
Thanks so much! I’m so glad that we could provide you this resource. also, check out 3xdaily.org, a prayer site that we run that might have more tools for you.