http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k372K07L8j8

Visit Stereo Sinai online.

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Welcome to 10 Tevet: a day long Mourner’s Kaddish.

On 10 Tevet, the Babylonian army laid siege to Jerusalem. Thirty months later, the city walls were breached, and on 9 Av of that same year, the Temple was destroyed. The Jewish people were exiled to Babylonia for 70 years.

After the blast of Hanukkah with food, candles and fun, suddenly our commercial break from reality is interrupted by a fasting period and solemn reflection.

To a degree, 10 Tevet is like a day long kaddish. While Mourners Kaddish marks a sad moment, it’s also uplifting, because the actual kaddish (the Aramaic words you don’t actually know yet somehow angels do) are not that sad at all:

Glorified and sanctified be God’s great name throughout the world which He has created according to His will. May He establish His kingdom in your lifetime and during your days, and within the life of the entire House of Israel, speedily and soon; and say, Amen.

May His great name be blessed forever and to all eternity. 

Blessed and praised, glorified and exalted, extolled and honored, adored and lauded be the name of the Holy One, blessed be He, beyond all the blessings and hymns, praises and consolations that are ever spoken in the world; and say, Amen.

May there be abundant peace from heaven, and life, for us and for all Israel; and say, Amen.

He who creates peace in His celestial heights, may He create peace for us and for all Israel; and say, Amen.

There is a custom that even in dark times, we should say a few good words of hope. Mourner’s Kaddish does that. And for 10 Tevet, I believe that healthy dose of emo, darkwave and 80′s music will be the light at the end of the tunnel. So here’s a YouTube music video list that I hope will make 10 Tevet a little more tolerable. Have a meaningful fast.

The Cure – Boy’s Don’t Cry

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n547VhR1aRY

The Mars Volta – Eriatarka

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AjAltxAWTRk

Feeding Fingers – Manufactured Missing Children

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JB6WQh6YylA

Sunny Day Real Estate – 8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XS_tfEjoiss

New Order – Regret

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_r4QGJpsYaE

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It’s a decision I have gone back-and-forth on for several years. Soon, I will blog about why I made this decision, where I am going, the impact that I feel it will have on PunkTorah (none, but that’s a whole other story), and all the misadventures along the way.

Before I start shooting my mouth off with everything that is going on, here’s a fun video just to celebrate this new phase of things. Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a-s3aw0GZKY

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We’re so psyched that Limmud Boston is bringing us to their day long Limmud festival to film The G-d Project! We will be hosting a great session on what the American Jewish community really thinks about God, spirituality and everything in between, as well as filming everyone at the festival for our website and documentary.

Expect all kinds of great presenters, panels, and fun music! Here’s all the links you need. See you at Limmud Boston!

http://limmudboston.org/

Session Schedule

http://limmudboston2011.sched.org

and of course, Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/LimmudBoston

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TVoAC1asxk4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ThvGu4TPk1U

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FRiGPs1eTsg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIeDK5zVDa0

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Love, PunkTorah.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IiWYT8oSAiE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jQ1OM10mhL8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4pQsQfIwuok

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nIw175kn494

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The history of Jewish piracy. Enjoy!

Photo from ModernTribe.com

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gE7lML-CsDg

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=029__uuKYBI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MMM9iiskhw4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S7t0qV1hxbk

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IfCGb77_sNg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0NSgs7jVJI8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dqg7XrXMOyY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qQkbxHWMVQ

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THE BEST PART: PunkTorah is going to match $1 for every $1 that you give. SWEET!

So sponsor a PunkTorah/OneShul video. Here’s what you get…

$18 Donation

-Your name, picture, voice, music, band, and/or writing will be the feature of your own PunkTorah Jewish educational video. If you live in the Atlanta area, you can even be in the video!

-You pick the topic of the video (sample topics include: how to become a rabbi, Judaism and transgender issues, Jewish skate boarding stars, whatever).

-”thank you” intro and ending credits with our undying love for you.

$36 Donation

- You will be immortalized in PunkTorah history!

- In addition to having TWO videos with all the perks listed above, you’ll also receive an honorarium on all four PunkTorah sites: PunkTorah.org, NewKosher.org, 3xDaily.org and OneShul.org for two weeks.

- Last but not least, you will also receive a free advance e-copy of The PunkTorah Jewish Cocktail Book, coming out in a few months

Remember, since our funds will be matched dollar for dollar, donating $36 is like donating $72! But we can’t do this without you…

WE DID IT! Thank you to everyone who made this project happen! Although we have fundraised fully for this project, we are still taking donations for the PunkTorah General Fund. Please consider donating to keep PunkTorah alive.

Donate via paypal or by sending a check to:

PunkTorah
Attn: Fundraising
872 Baltimore PL SW
Marietta, GA 30064

*Any amount over $688 that we receive from this drive will go to the PunkTorah general fund.

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o3P9Bu-tkyk

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z2w39OtHgXM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YkUyr5CEWkM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kzMAJ9V0WYE

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2t4BGAmK__Y

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In case you didn’t see us there, here’s a recap of our fun at the GA, include interviews with David Abitbol of Jewlicious, Sarah Lefton of G-dcast and Dan Sieradski of WeRepair. And of course, the infamous video of us dancing our butts off in front of 400 people.

PunkTorah’s Presentation: There Is No Jewish Future

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wdfO8uRR5gs

Jewlicious Takes on the Federation

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2K7xPt_lWpI

Sarah Lefton From G-dcast Gives Us Maaaad Love

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uyER0z3ur-Y

Patrick Interviews Dan Sieradski

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WVO2RMgs7qQ

Outtakes From the Trip

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w48UI8wmoyA

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WiCMe3xOXYw

Join us at OneShul on Dec. 1st at 7pm EST, as we light the menorah, tell stories and nosh! Hang out with your friends online for the holidays!

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wdfO8uRR5gs

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XFZGNAoyzws

UPDATE:

So it seems, I might have been wrong. A reply from someone on YouTube:

You got me. You delivered a very nice, typical, take on Cholov Yisroel. Thank you for your interest in this subject. I am very involved in making Cholov Yisroel down in Florida. We are an all grass fed, free range, one single family farm, and no hormones or other drugs. We also remove all of the diseased animals from the milking herd. Such as; Displaced Abomasums, and any cows who have had certain various surgical procedures. Even though the FDA deems them safe for human consumption… However, According to kosher rules they are not fit. This is only done on a Cholov Yisroel operation.
Again, I enjoyed your enthusiasm and most of all your interest. If you’re ever going to be in the central Florida area, shoot me a email. Very Truly Yours, Tzvi AKA Tevye of Tevye Farms Cholov Yisroel dairy

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XklXS3lS0kc

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Let’s think of things in this week’s Parshah that start with C. Cookie starts with C. But we need to think about Parshat Vayeira.

Circumcision starts with the letter C. Abraham circumsized himself at age 99. Ouch that must have really hurt!

City, that starts with the letter C. Abraham plead with G-d to spare the wicked city of Sodom. Two angels came to his nephew Lot’s house and an angry mob tried to hurt them. Lot protected the angels and the angels protected him.

Cave, that starts with the letter C. After fleeing the city, Lot and his two daughters took shelter in a cave. They thought they were the only people left in the world…so they slept with their father and got pregnant. Gross.

Conceive, that starts with the letter C. G-d remembered his promise to Sarah and she gives birth to her son Issac.

Crying, that starts with the letter C. Sarah banishes her slave who’s also the mother of Ishmael, Abraham’s other son. Ishmael is dying the in desert and cries. Sooo sad. And G-d saves his life.

Commandment, that starts with the letter C.  G-d commands Abraham to sacrifice Issac. But before he can do it, G-d stops him and replaces Isaac with a ram.

Just looking for the letter C in this week’s Torah portion helped me find many important lessons. You should look through the Torah and find your lesson! But be careful…it’ll make you hungry for more coookies!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7pAtUazC-Vo

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My dog is crate trained, meaning that when I am out of the house or sleeping, she sleeps in a metal crate with her bed, food, water and toys. Seems to keep her out of trouble. It also teaches her to go to the bathroom when we let her out: an almost impossible task for some rescue animals who have a hard time adjusting to a schedule.

Today I felt like a bad Pug Dad. I had been out of the house all day for meetings, going to the bank, grocery shopping, etc. So I thought, “heck, why not let her run around the house. What’s the worst that can happen?”

The worst did happen.

I came home, and my dog was chewing my tefillin. The entire front of the shel rosh (the head piece) had been chewed to the point that it looked like pale chewing gum. I yelled, “Potato! No! Bad dog!” She looked at me with fear in her eyes, slightly peed on the couch, and ran away as I leaped toward my mangled Judaica.

But I have to say, the dog taught me a few wonderful Torah lessons:

Guard the Mitzvah. That’s where Shomer (honor/defend) the Shabbat comes in. It’s important to really remember what Shabbat is. It’s not just Friday night, folks. In the same light, I should have guarded my tefillin and not left them sitting out on the coffee table.

Be Good to Animals. Human beings have dominion over the earth (Parshat Bereshit). And the second portion of Bereshit (Genesis), Noah cared for the animals on the ark.

Chill Out. In another nod to Noah, the tefillin is a box holding prayer. The ark was a box, too, holding the prayer that life at it’s worse will still survive and carry on. Too, my inner voice was saying, “dude, calm down. It’s not the end of the world. The waters will subside, eventually.”

But in case you want to see the damage, watch this fun and informative video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m7esD_DAx5I

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9m225MF1r8k

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qZeo0YRdpi0

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In keeping with the fact that it’s Labor Day Weekend and everyone is ditching shul to go to the beach, let’s keep this week’s d’var brief and to-the-point.

A double portion of Torah lovin’…

Nitzavim: do good stuff and G-d will reward you. Do bad stuff, and G-d will curse you. The end.

Vayelech: Moses is about to die. He gives the keys to the Jewish people to Joshua and they bro down in a tent with G-d who tells them that the Israelites are going to stray from the Torah.

This whole thing seems like a contradiction. G-d is the King of the Universe. You think he’d have the brains to not waste His time telling the Hebrews to worship Him in Parshat Nitzavim when he knows they’re just gonna go worship idols and eat ham sandwiches over in Parshat Vayelech.

But that’s the horrible thing about being a parent. You look into your newborn’s eyes and you feel this rapture that you’ve brought this life into the world. And you don’t think to yourself, “gee, one day you’re going to be stealing my car, get busted for smoking in the school bathroom and flunk out of college because you were more interested in X-Box than Chemistry 101.”
G-d, in this week’s double portion, is like any other parent, struggling to deal with the fact that His children will, in fact, give him the middle finger…and frankly, already have.

But G-d can’t help it. When G-d looks at Creation, it’s like we’re newborns in His hands. And he can’t help but say, “don’t worry I still love you kid, I’ll give you another chance. Just be good this time, OK?” And yeah, we’re pretty lucky like that.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FFHsy5Q-rQM

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After the film, we invite you to post your thoughts about circumcision below. Also, we will be having live discussions in our OneShul prayer services and a Q & A with the filmmaker after High Holidays.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bx89xECfHG4

Please give the movie a few minutes to buffer (load up) if you are on a slow internet connection.

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What Do Apples, Prayer and Fighting With Your Girlfriend Have In Common? (Ki Tavo)

I’m psyched about Rosh Hashanah. I’m supposed to say that for spiritual reasons. But really, I like apples and honey.

This week’s Torah portion is about fruit. The first fruit, in fact. We’re supposed to give that up as a sacrifice to G-d. And, surprise, G-d will bless us. Kinda anti-climactic, but not every part of the Torah makes for good TV.

We’re always giving sacrifices to G-d. Animals, plants…heck, one time there was child sacrifice (luckily that worked out OK). It made sense back then to sacrifice animals and plants because we lived in a farm-based economy. Our whole lives were what we had to eat (and for most Jews, it still is!)

I don’t own a farm. I’m not sure I know what “threshing” means and half the Shabbat prohibitions don’t apply to me because I’m not into skinning animals and preparing hide. But I still have to give sacrifices.

The solution: prayer. Our economy now is Time and People Centered. Time, because time is money. And people centered, because our talent, our energy, our ideas, our creativity are the fuel for the economy…not vineyards and pastures. Prayer is a sacrifice because it takes away our time and it also takes away our ability to think about ourselves and all the things that we want at that moment. We’re giving it up for the Lord. And what are the “first fruits” of prayer? Well you guessed it: the Shacharit service! The morning prayer is the first fruit of the day; the first chance that we get to think about ourselves. Instead, we get to think about G-d.

Speaking of this morning, my girlfriend woke me up at 6AM after I had only slept for a few hours last night. She bought some clothes for me at Target and wanted to see how they fit…but I was tired and grumpy and told her to leave me alone. But finally I relented and tried the clothes on. I could have been a total jerk, but the first fruit of the day was having a happy spouse, and even though at the time I was mad and wanted to go back to sleep, I’m glad I tried the clothes on because my girlfriend has more control over my life than anyone else does (sorry HaShem, but you know it’s true) so I’m glad I could give her the first fruit of my day…because she blesses me all the time! And I got a new pair of pants.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gmT9L8vgd0o

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How do we make these commandments work in daily life? Two ways: taking the past and make yourself an extension of it. Saying to yourself, “this is the way it was back then, and so this is how we do it now”. This is Orthodoxy. The other way is to make your values the same as the Hebrews, making the Hebrews feminist, vegan-anarchists or whatever you may be.

Here’s the problem: we live in a different world than the Hebrews. Our values, and their values are completely different. And it’s important to recognize and celebrate those differences. Sometimes they were right, and sometimes our modern values are superior to theirs.

Bottom line: be yourself. And by the way, if you read this week’s Torah portion literally, don’t take any “beautiful captives”. They call that “abduction” and “human trafficking” now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ehDHZtdHfnM

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“Justice, justice, you shall seek.” Parshat Shoftim is the Torah portion where we get to feel like Tikkun Olam-aholics and Social Justice Champions. The environmental crowd uses Shoftim to make the case for Al Gore’s livelihood and the LGBT crowd will surely use Shoftim to talk about the overturning of Prop 8, while the other side of the aisle will be screaming Fair Tax and War on Islamo-fascism at the top of their lungs. But let’s talk about something more interesting than politics.

Why is justice repeated twice in “justice, justice, you shall seek”? Isn’t it good enough to say, “seek justice” without the clever poetics?

The Jewish tradition is big on numbers and the number two has its own significance. Two, the Kabbalists believe, is the number for fellowship…and that seems to make sense. There are two parts to the Torah, oral and written, that are in fellowship with each other. One Torah isn’t “more right” than the other. They compliment each other. “Two people shall become one flesh”…how that’s fellowship. How about the two angels in Sodom and Gamorrah? Or the fact that we light two candles on Shabbat and that when a man studies in yeshiva, he studies with a partner?

This week’s Torah portion talks justice, but justice can’t be administered by one person. From the beginning, we learn what justice should be in fellowship. No one person, no matter how smart they are or just they are has all the right answers. Great things come from partnership.

Short and sweet, that’s the lesson of the week. Go with G-d and bring a friend!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wut_uOgdoDk

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What does community look like in the 21st Century?

Can you have a Jewish community online?

We say yes.

Tell us if you agree.

Or if you don’t!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3933T1a7aPQ

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Deuteronomy 11:26-16:17

Monotheism in a nutshell, all laid out. Make the change you want to see!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wHDsuVuSJhA

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Religion, for many Jews, is a meritocracy. Where you went to college/yeshiva, what branch of Judaism ordained you, what rabbis you studied under, what level of kashrut, negiah, shabbat you keep. This is a litmus test for how-Jewishly-you-can-be-trusted. The more hardcore you are, the better, even if people think that your understanding of Judaism is bogus. At least you have the spiritual resume to back it up.

But really, is this where holiness comes from? Does a person who goes to a black hat yeshiva really cleave to G-d and the Torah more than someone who went to a community college?

Moses seems to think that our destiny is not in the shul or the centers of learning. In fact, it seems like we’re going to seek G-d from the outside.

Just read…

“And the Lord will scatter you among the peoples, and you will remain few in number among the nations to where the Lord will lead you.  And there you will worship gods, man’s handiwork, wood and stone, which neither see, hear, eat, nor smell. And from there you will seek the Lord your God, and you will find Him, if you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul.” (Deut. 4:27-31)

This doesn’t seem like a really good ad for Jewish higher learning or Israel immersion. In fact, it seems like us Diaspora people have been part of the plan all along.

I’m really turned on by the phrase, “And from there you will seek the Lord your God, and you will find Him, if you seek Him.” It doesn’t say, “from the Chabad house, you will find G-d” or “in the corporate offices of the Jewish Federations you will find G-d” or “in the house of some learned scholar of the Torah, you will find G-d.” No! It says that from a place of idol worship, of disconnection from the greater Jewish community, from a place of sin…that is where we will find G-d.

Suddenly, the Diaspora looks a little nicer.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rTTbs9_a25E

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The who, what, why, how, and when of tzitzit.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oGwkKri0N2A

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SpxUt1J2SNY

It’s hard enough imagining a time without the internet, let alone books. But that’s what it’s like to be an ancient Hebrew. Moses keeps repeating these same stories about the People over and over again, not because he’s lecturing or thinks that the Hebrews are too stupid to remember, but because there isn’t exactly a library of Jewish history sitting around the traveling camp.

It’s like in the book Fahrenheit 451 where an underground society of people called “book-keepers” each memorize a book in order to preserve knowledge. In the same way, Moses is turning each of his people into a living book…a living Torah, in fact. Instead of writing all the laws and stories on parchment, he demands that each person become a Torah in themselves, and collectively, the People of the Book.

One thing that particularly struck me about the portion this week was Moses recalling the time he appointed judges and magistrates to help him “mete out justice” and teach “the word of G_d”. Moses is basically saying:
“Hey, remember that time I tried to do everything myself and I couldn’t? Yeah, well you can’t either. Ask for help from each other and together anything can be accomplished.”
If even Moses himself, the pinnacle prophet of Judaism needed to get help from those around him, how much more do we? This is one of the key teachings that he leaves with the Israelites as they head into the Promised Land: you will need help, and you have to look to each other for it. No one, not even the prophet of G_d Almighty can do it alone.

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What does Judaism say about organ donation? Is it permitted? Find out!

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Sometimes reading the Torah is like reading a book written by a blood thirsty thirteen year old with attention deficit disorder. This week’s portion jumps, not so elegantly, from women taking vows, to killing the Midianites and stealing their stuff, then all of a sudden we’re diving up a bunch of land. The end, next chapter please.

And you wonder why more people don’t take the Torah seriously? It’s like cut-and-paste poetry. Once the story gets really good, G-d interrupts everything with a census or some obscure set of rules that makes no sense. Or it starts off really boring, and you give up half way, only to find out the really good stuff is toward the end.

The Torah doesn’t have a good beginning, middle and end. And it’s really not meant to, either. I think there’s three basic reasons for that.

First, the Torah is a reflection of life. And life doesn’t have a real beginning, middle and end. Sure, individual lives start and finish, but the legacy of humanity lasts forever (or at least until SkyNet and the Terminators finish us off). At any rate, Torah reflects life, and life is filled with low points, high points, boring, pointless interruptions, scandals, intrigue, and everything else…and sometimes the order of those things doesn’t make any sense.

Second, the Torah is a reflection of Creation. There’s a midrash that says that G-d looked into the Torah before creating the world. I like that. The Torah is flawed at times, and frankly, so is the world. Now, I’m not calling HaShem a crummy writer or a bad creator, but the world isn’t perfect, and if you read the Torah enough, you’ll find out that the Torah isn’t perfect all the time either.

Finally, the Torah is the reflection of the human soul…sometimes for better, and sometimes for worse. This week, we’re dealing with the souls of women and warriors, liars and hinderers, revenge-seekers and oppressors. Next week, the soul may change, and go in a new direction. But the Torah does us a huge favor and lets us see all sides of the soul. Hopefully, the soul doesn’t end either.

So what’s the bottom line? Don’t let the strange ups-and-downs of the Torah, the weird jumping back and forth from women-and-their-dads-to-blood-and-guts keep you from learning. Life, Creation, and the human spirit has its ups-and-downs, and its weird moments, too.

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What does the Torah really say about marijuana?

Surprisingly little.

Check it out.

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They will be held Monday, Wednesday, and Friday at around 2PM Eastern time. To watch, go here or here! We look forward to seeing you all there!

-Michael and Patrick

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This week’s Torah portion is about accepting change. And I’m not talking about loose change.

A guy named Zelophehad dies…and unlucky for him, Zelophehad had no sons, no one to pass his inheritance to. But he did have daughters. And these daughters were angry that their father’s lot would not be given to them. So they protest to Moses and Moses talks to G-d. The result: G-d agrees that sexism is unfair, and the law of inheritance is passed so that women would be included.

Another change happens: Moses knows that his time is running out on this Earth. The Hebrews are about to enter the Promised Land and Moses does not get to go with them. So G-d tells Moses that Joshua will be the new leader. Moses is commanded to lay his hands upon Joshua in front of the Hebrews showing his status as the future Jewish Commander In Chief.

Change is tough: it forces people to confront their boundaries and limits. It’s easier to keep life as static and simple as possible, so you’ll never experience growing paints. But change is a part of life. Get over it. Move on.

So Moses hands the keys to the kingdom over to Joshua. Here’s this guy, hand picked by G-d out of all of the Israelites, to be the new leader. Even with how Moses must have felt about turning things over to “the new guy”, there had to be some sense of trust there. I mean, G-d chose Joshua!

G-d told Moses who would be the next leader. I know that if I were retiring from a company that I started if G-d told me who would be my successor I would trust His judgment. So in this there is some comfort to Moses, that the guy taking his place was at least good enough to be selected by the Divine. And that is important.

G-d knew Joshua wasn’t Moses, and he never would be. G-d knew the time for Moses was over, it was time for a fresh perspective, some new leadership. Was Joshua going to screw up? Of course! Obviously even Moses messed up. But that’s okay.

What that says to me is that Hashem knows that things change (He made them that way!) so sometimes new leadership is necessary. And even Moses had to learn that, to trust in the way that things were going and that G-d wouldn’t let things get out of hand.

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=di5coZUGg0Y

Kirtan is a part of bhakti yoga, the yoga of devotion. It is done in call-and-response format, and is used to bring the chanter into and altered state of consciousness, “at once ecstatic, contemplative and — most of all — playfully improvised”. In kirtan, the goal is to chant to G-d and to develop an ecstatic state of awareness that brings insight and peace, so that we merge with the Beloved through devotion, hence the moniker “the yoga of devotion”. Borrowing certain ideas and instruments from Hindu tradition and basing them solidly in a Jewish framework, the Kirtan Rabbi, Rabbi Andrew Hahn, Ph.D. uses Hebrew texts as a basis with the lyrics “drawn from the Hebrew Bible and the siddur (the traditional Jewish prayerbook), as well as from the language of Kabbalah (Jewish mysticism)”. At first I was skeptical, but it works, and it works very well.

On the newest album, Achat Sha’alti (One Thing I Seek), Rabbi Hahn has delivered a very well produced album full of affecting chants. The call and response format works very well and allows the listener to connect with the rhythm of the music and the patterns of the chanting. I found myself chanting along in the car and while working, giving me a nice respite in the middle of the day. Using the chants drawn from the bible and the siddur brought a unique insight to them, and in some cases it was as if I had heard them for the first time. On the previous Kirtan Rabbi album, Live! the music and chanting was just as engaging, though not as fresh. The production values on Achat Sha’alti are a refreshing step forward. The lush instrumentals add to the atmospheric chanting from the melodious opening Kaddish to a trance Lecha Dodi medley. The droning harmonium makes an incredible background to the traditional niggunim used as melodies and inspiration for the different tracks. As a tool for personal worship or meditation, I can highly recommend this album, especially to those familiar with other kirtan artists like Krishna Das or Jai Uttal and who want to be able to use kirtan and the bhakti yoga system as a devotional tool in service to Hashem. Or if you just like cool music!

Achat Sha’alti (One Thing I Seek) and Kirtan Rabbi Live! are available at iTunes and on the Kirtan Rabbi website.

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Numbers 19:1-22:1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_xY6y27lHY8

Why do the same things keep happening to us over and over again? Why do we fall into the same relationships, same types of jobs, etc. etc. Sometimes life feels like a gigantic rerun that you can’t escape: a constant Bill Murray-style Groundhog Day.

Just like all the other Torah portions in Bamidbar, the same predictable plot happens:

1) The Hebrews wander the desert

2) The Hebrews get angry that they are wandering in the desert

3) G-d gets pissed off and performs a miracle

This time, we have snakes on fire, which to me sounds like a stoner metal band. At any rate, these venomous snakes bite the ankles of the Hebrews, and naturally they freak out.

So G-d says, “build a bronze altar with a snake on a pole. Stare at it, and you’ll be healed.”

Yay. Miracle. But pretty anti-climactic.

I guess you could say, “well, it all worked out for the Hebrews. They built a shrine to the snake and G-d healed them. Some lesson, huh?” But you have to remember that idolatry is a sin. G-d’s not letting them off the hook, G-d’s forcing them to do something that’s completely against their culture. It’s like a dog that pees on the carpet, and you turn around and rub their nose in it.

There’s a reason why life for the Hebrews stays the same: they keep doing the same things! It seems like a no-brainer, but perhaps if they adjusted their attitude a little bit, they wouldn’t be wandering around in the desert!

This is the way life works: you’re fat because you keep eating, you’re single because you keep going out with losers, and you’re an alcoholic because you keep drinking. It’s like my dad says, “if you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten.”

Maybe it’s all the motivational posters at my gym, but I see this week’s Torah portion as an inspiration to quit whining and do something! Maybe then the snakes that are biting your ankles (bill collectors, a crappy boss, whatever) will leave you alone.

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We know they suck, but what can you do?

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nTiPmKdIOGU

Here are the arguments…Tell Us Why or Why Not!

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Parshah Korach

If you like stories about political rebellion and massive death, then Parshah Korach is right up your alley.

In this week’s parshah, Korach decides that Moses needs to be overthrown. In his mind, Moses has too much authority and sits on his high horse, talking to G-d, and looking down on everyone else.

So he challenges Moses’ authority. He gathers a bunch of guys, and they confront Moses. So Moses calls him out on it! Moses and Korach go to the Tent of Meeting with fire pans of incense and sure enough, G-d sides with Moses. Korach and his dudes get swallowed up by the earth and the rest die in a massive plague.

Basically, you don’t mess with G-d.

A lot of people read this Torah portion as a way of promoting fundamentalism. “See, if you rebel against G-d, you’ll be punished! So burn your Urban Outfitters shirts and step away from the indie rock, because you need to sit all day reading Gemara or G-d will punish you all the days of your life.”

That’s a lie. And they know it.

This story is actually about DISTRUSTING authority.

In the first part of the story, we learn that Korach comes from a powerful family. The Midrash (Jewish legends) about Korach teaches that he was wealthy, too. And if you look at the people he recruited to overthrow Moses, they weren’t anti-establishment. They were princes, men from the assembly, nobility. They were yuppie power brokers!

Korach used these two hundred and fifty men to challenge Moses, not because they wanted equality, but they wanted power for themselves. Worse than that, they managed to trick people into following them under the lie that “everyone in the congregation is holy” (Numbers 16:3).

There are people in this world: politicians, celebrities, people in power, who claim that they are looking out for the common man. But sometimes, these people aren’t really looking out for you. They are just using you.

Why did G-d side with Moses and Aaron and not Korach? Because Moses and Aaron were the real deal. Yes, they were the guys in charge. But their hearts were in the right place. They weren’t out for “number one” like Korach.

So if you’re going to challenge the system, go for it! G-d likes rebellious people. Just make sure that you aren’t being tricked by some yuppie jerk who talks a good game.

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Less talk, more rock. Watch this!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NYUkJ8CqSfU

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X1RcaOqcjwc

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xu-WR03hHJ0

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Today I address a question we get all the time: Why the “Punk” in PunkTorah?

There is a very good reason!

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In this weeks portion, three things happen…

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MDscMtHPSR4

By Michael Sabani

In May of 2010, the known hate group Westboro Baptist Church came to Atlanta to spread their hate-filled rhetoric. We followed them. Everywhere they went, we were there. For every sign they held up saying “G-d hates you”, there were two saying “G-d loves you”.
We were able to stand up and let them know that we aren’t afraid of them. They held signs saying “Jews Are Evil”, “G-d Hates Jews”, and even had one of their seven year old children holding a large sign proclaiming “Rabbis Rape Kids”.

We are called in the Torah to fight evil, not to ignore it. We have a responsibility as Jews to repair the world. Sometimes that means coming out of our comfort zone, standing in front of the world, and proclaming that yes, I am proud to be a Jew, and there is nothing wrong with that. Yes, G-d does love us all. Yes, peace is stronger than hate.

And I say:

Shalom

Salaam

Peace

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“You should post this.”

A single line email with a YouTube link from our friend and PunkTorah contributor Heshy Friend (of the infamous FrumSatire.net) is not something you want to pass up.

The video is called “Get” and the band is The Groggers. A post-emo, indie-punk song about the orthodox community and divorce fills my screen and I’m experiencing a feeling that is part shock and hysterical laughter.

Doug Steiman, the front-man for The Groggers, granted me an interview where we talked about Green Day, frum politics, and one of my favorite subjects, women.

The Groggers was just an idea when Doug started writing. “I got into this mood where I was writing these funny Jewish punk songs…[and] the first song I recorded was Mitzvah Night.” The song about having sex on Shabbat became an “underground hit” which led to another song called “Get”, which became the video that has made a splash on the Jew-Tube, and put Doug in the position of needing to put together a real version of The Groggers.

Songs about sex and dating might seem like controversial topics for a self-proclaimed “orthodox band”, but Doug seems to like that. “We’re pushing the envelope with some of our songs…we stand behind what we say. We’re poking fun at our religion and our own vices [and] I hope that there’s something that people appreciate about our honesty.”

Doug is not a one-act-wonder. Although The Groggers is inspired by Doug’s early love of Green Day, Nirvana and Motion City Soundtrack, Doug has been in numerous bands, including a band he put together just to play a Battle of the Bands, which they ended up winning after only one practice.

Like Jewish pop-punk predecessors Yidcore, The Groggers use humor to convey their musical message. But unlike most gimmick acts, The Groggers are surprisingly “real”. “We’re getting slightly more political because we have opinions on Jewish happenings. It could be looked at as a gimmick, but that’s not our intention.” Doug went on to tell me that they aren’t wearing yarmulkes and tzitzit to “look” Jewish, but instead that “this is how we dress”.

In the non-Orthodox world, it would sound insane that a song about dating whoever you want would be in any way “political”. But for The Groggers, it is the reality of their life. Says Doug, “in many circles it’s not OK to meet someone on your own. I know people that are finding it really difficult to meet someone in that [shidduch] system, but won’t look in another direction.”

The Groggers are looking forward to producing their first album (set for release this August), dates on the Shemspeed Music Festival and G-d willing, booking a college tour. Check out The Groggers on Myspace: www.myspace.com/thegroggersband

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“I was wondering if you had any advice to someone who isn’t Jewish who wishes to follow Torah and become more active spiritually?”

Yes. Yes I do.

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Parshat Naso really, really bothers me.

First, we have this issue of a wife cheating on her husband. It’s pretty ugly. He gets to take her to the center of the town where she drinks a bitter water that will probably kill her. If she lives, she didn’t sin. If she dies…well…you know. It’s very Salem Witch Trials, and sounds a lot nicer when you hear the Girls In Trouble song about it called, “Secrets/You’re Always Watching”.

Then there’s hippies. No. Really. Hippies.

The Torah talks about something called the Nazarite vow. It’s a vow taken by a person who wants to be “holy”. And they have some pretty interesting rules they have to live by: they have to grow their hair long, they can’t drink wine, they can’t be near a dead body, and they have to offer sacrifices along with going to the mikvah (ritual bath).

Let’s think…wanna-be holy people with long hair who need to take a bath. Hippies!

But here’s the cool thing. Adultery in the Bible is a two-way street. Men can’t cheat and neither can women. And there’s examples of strong female characters like Tamar and Esther who challenge the idea that women were baby-machines-who-better-keep-their-mouths-shut. Though it doesn’t seem like it at times, the Bible is actually pretty egalitarian.

And as for those hippie Nazarite people. Well, they can be men or women! Anyone can take the vow to be a holy person. That says a lot, given the number of religions that teach the superiority of men in the holiness department.

This year it’s especially fitting that Parshat Naso be read during the time of Shavuot, where we see a strong woman against a patriarchal society. The great thing about the Torah is that, just when you think it’s sexist, it turns around and gives you a swift kick in the right direction.

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OK fine, I broke Shabbat to go see robots sing cover songs by Journey and Rick James. Got a problem with that?

For what it’s worth, I also davened (prayed) with the Atlanta Chevre Minyan, a pretty cool group of independent people doing a mixed Orthodox/Progressive service and one of the best oneg pot lucks I have ever seen.

At the Earl, I met up with my friend The Other Jeff Clark (also known as Jeff from Channel Zero, an Atlanta music scene icon). As I got out of my car, I remembered that I was still wearing my egalitarian kippah from the PunkTorah shop and thought, “mmmm, gee, better put on a hat instead.” So I threw on a hat over my yarmulke and ran in, just in time to catch the last few songs by The Falcon Lords, a band best described as superhero minimalist dance rock. Think Batman Forever chase scene music with the bravado of The Tick and a drum machine.

OK, on to Captured By Robots.

All I can say: coolest. thing. ever. And it helps that the singer Jay Vance (JBOT) is Jewish, and probably a genius.

The “group”, for lack of a better word, features one human (Jay), and a series of robots including DRMBOT 0110 (the drummer), GTRBOT666 (the guitar/bass player) and some stuffed apes that look like the demented cousins of the characters from Chuck-E-Cheese. Each robot actually plays an instrument, with Jay providing vocals and additional guitar.

What makes the show amazing is how Jay interacts with the robots, mostly DRMBOT and GTRBOT insulting him, the audience, and making sick, lewd jokes. I loved it. The on-stage conversations were seamless, and actually made you feel like these robots were alive (or maybe they were?)

Jay started off the set by asking if there were any Jews in the audience. Immediately my friend Jeff pulled my hat off, exposing my yarmulke. Jay got a kick out of it, and this “outing” gave me a chance, after the show, to talk to him.

I asked Jay about why, after thirteen years of Captured By Robots, he still does his act. “Because I believe in it,” he said, citing his work on a TV show featuring the band and the fact that he no longer needs a day job (Jay tours once a year with the group).

In 2005, Captured By Robots put out a CD based on the 1950′s film, “The Ten Commandments”. I asked Jay about it, and he said that the Exodus is the “greatest story ever told” (pun intended). He has been “watching the movie since [he] was a kid” and for him, “Heston is Moses.”

I asked Jay about his Jewish background and he replied, “I don’t go to seders or temple. When they [the Jews in my family] died, [my Judaism] was buried with them.” But for Jay, connecting his on-stage act with the Jewish people is about “heritage” and belonging to the culture. This included songs about the last plague of Egypt and a sex-romp about Nefretiri. I would make the argument that JBOT was a rabbi that night, not only connecting me with my Jewishness, but also creating an interfaith dialogue through metal-goes-dance-pop-rock. For a moment, we were a two person havurah (community).

Less talk, more rock. Check out Captured By Robots!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xSZV1BAGUbQ

(image courtesy of Captured By Robots)

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Being a kid was a lot like being a slave. I had to go to school. I had to be home at a certain time. I had to eat the food my parents bought. I was on their schedule: I didn’t have a car, a place of my own, anything!

When I started college, I finally felt free. I was my own man, freed from the slavery of childhood. But there was a problem: I really had no sense of who I was. I was always changing my clothing style, my taste in music, the food I ate, the stuff I liked to do for fun. My identity was really fluid then, not because I was so open minded, but because I was in a crisis: true adulthood was creeping up on me, and I needed to figure out who I was and what I was going to do with my life.

In a way, I was wandering through my own desert, just like the Hebrews.

In this week’s Torah portion, G-d tells the freed Hebrew slaves to count themselves, and instructs them to take on certain roles. The Gershonites were in charge of the tent and the covering of the Tabernacle. The Kohathites delt with the ark, table, lampstand and some other things inside it, etc. etc. etc. In this way, G-d is telling them who they are, and what their life is about.

If you’re having trouble figuring out who you are, and what your life is about, then try the Bamidbar Technique For Solving An Identity Crisis:

• Count your people. See who it is that you want to be around, day and night, 24/7. Literally count the number of people. Is your “tribe” small or large? Are you OK with that?
• See how these people live. Maybe it’s the free spiritedness of the Crunchies or the booze-and-shmooze life of the Young Executives that turns you on. Either way, you are going to be in this group and you better see if it’s something you want.
• Camp with your people. Get involved with the people that you want  to be around. Whether it’s interning at a company that you think you like, or visiting a college that sounds cool, or volunteering for a non-profit that attracts the people you like, getting involved will surround you with the kinds of people you want to emulate.
• Take on the role. Once you know what you like, and who you want to be, then do it! There’s nothing stopping you.
• Remember that you are what you are. A lot of people want to be everything. You can’t be. It’s impossible. You might have to sacrifice certain things, like a type of job, a certain place you want to live, certain educational opportunities, etc. But if you love what you are doing, and who you are with, you are willing to give up anything.

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Parshat Behar-Bechukotai

In the beginning of this week’s Torah portion, G-d tells Moses that every seventh year, the Hebrews should let their land “rest”. No planting, harvesting, etc. Just leave it alone. And if the land has any produce, make sure to leave some your animals, slaves, hired workers and people who live with you. G-d wants the land to rest, because then it will “become fertile”. There is a sense, here, that human beings spoil the land through their work, and that nature needs to repair itself so that it can continue to grow.

Farmers cultivate the land with tools, and the result is the harvest. Similarly, prayers are used as tools to cultivate divinity, the result being a connection to something transcendent.

Maybe it makes sense, then, that there be a “Sabbatical time” from prayer. It’s great to say brachot, daven, meditate, etc. But maybe we need to just chill out and enjoy life, so that our spiritual “land” can replenish itself. Instead of worrying about all the brachot, the correct prayers for each moment of life, keeping tabs of the weekly Torah portion, etc., we sometimes need to just step back, go on autopilot, and take a break from “being, thinking and acting Jewish” to just “being” ourselves.

Even though we aren’t “cultivating” the spiritual land, we will still have plenty of spiritual “produce”. And we are commanded to share this with everyone! And what happens after the Sabbatical? Our spiritual land is fertile again, and we can get back to business as usual, refreshed and more bountiful than before.

Bottom line: even rabbis take a day off (and from what I understand, it’s usually Monday).

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“I am curious about how Judaism feels about piercings. Like nose, belly, eye brow, and so on. What do you think/know?”
-Chelsea

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Moses is considered the greatest prophet of the Jewish people. That’s strange, because according to Moses himself, he is “slow of speech and of a slow tongue” (Exodus 4:10). You would think that the greatest prophet of all time would at least be able to carry a sentence.

But Emor shows why Moses was so great: he gave the Hebrews their culture! This Torah portion has Moses teaching the Hebrews about Sukkot and Passover and Shabbat. Moses goes in depth about the Kohenim, the priestly class. Moses even goes into detail about the Jewish sense of justice.

It’s like a father giving his child a last name or a grandparent teaching a family recipe. It’s the reason why adopted kids learn about their biological parents, even though they already have parents that love them. Moses is the great prophet because he gave the Hebrews an identity.

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Alterna-Rebbe Michael and Patrick A. tackle a question about having a tattoo and working in the field of Jewish education.

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Earth Day is a Jewish holiday!

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Why Do We Exile People?

The main event of this Torah portion is tzaraat, a mysterious skin affliction that seems to be related to spreading gossip or talking evil (lashon hara). It goes like this: you talk bad, you get some gross white and pink spots on you, and you get exiled. After you’re healed, you get to come back to the community.

The world is a scary place if you are an ancient Hebrew: you have to survive against all the elements of nature, the waring tribes around you, and for unknown reasons, the human body does sick things. How would you deal with that? How would you handle seeing the majority of children die by age ten? How would you be able to live with the knowledge that any tiny skin blemish, cough, or injury could destroy an entire community?

You would sequester: you would hide people away so that the rest of the community could be safe from whatever it is that they have.

If the Hebrews were really as “primitive” as some people think, they would have locked people up and thrown away the proverbial key. But read between the lines: a circumcised baby, a once-pregnant woman and a person with tzaraat were welcomed back with open arms, once their ritual period of removal was over.

So many physical afflictions carry stigma: physical handicaps, developmental disabilities, mental illness, AIDS and sexually transmitted infections to name a few. As a society, we tend to throw away people with these problems. Many would argue that criminality should be looked at as an illness, and people who commit crimes are locked away and have the worst problem integrating back into society.

Perhaps we need to learn something from our spiritual ancestors: yes, there is a time and place for removal. But more importantly, we need to work on bringing people back in. Who’s primitive now?

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Eco-Kosher, kashrut and your daily life. Watch out for that fire!

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Join Patrick and Michael as they talk about Pesach as they journey out of Egypt! Pesach is celebrated from March 29 through April 6 2010. Don’t forget to sell your chametz!

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PSYCHE!

You’d think I’m being a jerk when I write like that. But in all honesty, this is how most people feel when they get to the Levitical code. What good does a bunch of rules about burning animal fat have to do with today?

For me, it’s about the flame (and I’m not talking about Richard Simmons). The flame that was used to burn the sin offerings had to burn forever: an eternal flame inside the temple (mishkan).

We no longer have a temple, so Jews are forced to look inward and create a tent of our own meeting with the divine. This is why we pray: we offer up something emotional instead of physical. We even refer to our bodies sometimes as “temples”.

The fire, then, is a a light that forever burns inside us. It ignites our passion for healing the world (tikkun olam), justice (tzedakah), and all the other parts of a noble life, whether its a “Jewish” value or simply a universal one.

When we stoke the fire of our good nature, we keep alive the warmth from thousands of years ago, when our spiritual ancestors brought the best that they had to the temple in honor of G-d and in atonement for their sins and offerings of peace. Be proud to carry on this tradition, and let your personal light shine on forever.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tkJ14uRRZ4s

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Parshat Vayikra is an expensive parshat. The Hebrews are asked to give sacrifices to G-d for their guilt, their sins, and also for peace. The sacrifices themselves are meat or flour, burned on an altar.

Burning a hamburger or roasting some wheat doesn’t seem like a big deal, especially for doing some naughty stuff. But in reality, the Hebrews don’t have Burger King or Whole Foods in the Middle East. It was a big deal to watch your best crops or your best animals burn in front of you.

Every culture has a story about the hero and sacrifice. The hero doesn’t ultimately become a hero until he or she gives up something for someone else. G-d gives us the chance, in Vayikra, to be heroes, to give up something for the greater good. What a cool thing!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bKcsPboW73w

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In this weeks portion, we finish the book of Sh’mot, Exodus, and read the twin parshayot Vayakhel and Pekudei.
At the beginning, Moses reiterates the commandment to observe Shabbat, and then goes on to explain, in excruciating detail, the construction of the Mishkan, the Tabernacle, that is to be Hashem’s dwelling place with the Israelites as they travel. The question in this portion is what, in all of these details regarding the kind of blue, purple and red dyed wool, goat hair, animal skins, gold, silver, and copper, what can we learn from this, this mishegas? This craziness?

This is the questions I asked myself:
What does this have to do with me?

At the beginning of the portion, Moses asks the Israelites to donate these rich and precious materials to build G_d’s house, His Tabernacle, and to work to build the Sanctuary.
And what do the Jews do?
They give.
And give.
And give some more.
The Torah says:
“Every man and woman whose heart motivated them to bring for any of the work that Hashem had commanded to make, through Moses – the Children of Israel brought a free-willed offering to Hashem.”
They came and gave freely. Not only did they give, they worked, they sewed and built and labored.
In fact, they gave so much of their possessions and of themselves that Moses had to say, “Man and woman shall not do more work toward the gift for the Sanctuary”!
Moses told them to stop!
So what did I learn from this?
We are called to give, not as charity and not just money. Jews are called to give tzedakah, which means “righteousness” or “justice”. We are called to do right with ourselves and our resources.
So give.
Keep giving.
Not just of money, not just of gold and silver and goat skins.
We need to give and give until Moshe Rabbenu himself tells us “Enough!”

And then, being Jews, we should give some more!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q8RgOHqa94w

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WE WANT QUESTIONS!

Ask us some! We’ll answer them!
Reply to this video, send us a video, or just send us an email at questions.indieyeshiva@punktorah.com!
Hosted by Michael and Patrick

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A golden calf, and a missing leader.
In this weeks portion we hear the story of the golden calf, one that is familiar to so many of us, and also one that is so very, very heavy with hidden meaning it would take a very long time to unpack it all.
Moses climbed the mountain to meet with Hashem and to receive the Law. Through a counting error, the Israelites expected Moses back sooner than he was planning on returning. The Israelites got nervous and made the golden calf.

Here’s where I learned something new.

The sin of the calf wasn’t one of idolatry per se. Ramban tells us that there is actually a whole different interpretation. “If the sin of the Golden Calf was one of mass idol worship… the entire affair is incomprehensible”.
It seems that through the golden calf the people didn’t deny Hashem, they made the calf as a replacement for Moses. They thought because they had had Moses to speak to G_d, now that they had lost him they needed someone or something new to be a substitute for their vanished leader. Moses had spoken with G_d, he had led them through the sea, to Sinai, and directed them in battle.
It makes me think of different ways that we put people or things in between G_d and us.  Sometimes we value others’ opinions and thoughts more than our own, and we can get caught up in the belief that they can better communicate with G_d, or that we need someone to mediate for us.

But that’s not really true.

We are Hashem’s people, His children. The giving and receiving of the Torah creates a two way relationship, one that is at once communal and intimate.
I guess what I’m saying is, don’t be afraid to take responsibility for yourself before G_d, to own this relationship that was created. There’s no one standing between us and G_d, and there never should be. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C8eyH2F3eJg

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Join Michael and Patrick Aleph of PunkTorah and IndieYeshiva as we talk Purim!

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNX_yqTczOI

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We’re dealing with the rules of the priestly clothing: an epic dress code that involves crimson and gold, linen and wool, a tunic, sash, and robe. What you have to remember is that there isn’t an H&M in the deserts of the Biblical Middle East, so making garments like this was a serious undertaking. It was worth it, because the priests served a pretty heavy function, creating a sacred space for the lay person to make sacrifices to G-d. Parshat Tetzaveh is interesting because it reflects the same idea as last week’s Torah portion, Parshat Terumah. Terumah instructs the Hebrews to build a Tabernacle that is just as labor intensive as Tetzaveh’s Priestly Makeover. It’s like G-d wants the priests to look like the Tabernacle! And by dressing like the place of worship, the priests become a part of it. Seems vain, but it’s an important part of human nature.

What we wear can actually change our personality.

The best example I can give is of a friend of mine*. When I first met her, she wore a headscarf (common among married Orthodox women) and some kind of funny Jewish tee shirt everywhere she went. She wasn’t Orthodox, but she liked the idea of modesty and being a physical example of Orthodox Jewish feminism. One day, I went over to her house and noticed she was wearing jeans, a plain shirt, and didn’t have her head covered. I assumed it was because she was in her own house and didn’t care. But later, she began acting really strange. She wasn’t her usual, upbeat self. In fact, she was miserable. I asked her several days later about it, and she said that she was going through a spiritual crisis and couldn’t bring herself to wear all that Jewish clothing. She felt fake in them. Several weeks later, she and her family came over to my house for Shabbat, and she was smiling, laughing, and being her usual self. She was also wearing her outfit again. In private she said, “I just needed to put the uniform back on. I needed to force myself. And when I did, I was able to get back into G-d.” Tetzaveh shows our weakness toward aesthetics: our need to “play dress up” and see those in power over us looking nicer than us. But the great thing about the Torah is that it focuses these human needs in the right direction. If you’re going to look up to someone for the way they dress, they better be serving a great function in the community. Hence, the priests and their garments. It’s a heck of a lot better to look up at someone who looks awesome and is awesome, than to look up to a well dressed jerk. Lord knows that, and that’s why we have Parshat Tetzaveh.

*This is a dramatization, to protect the innocent.

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PunkTorah is going to Jewlicious…and so are the “God Hates Fags” people. It’s time for a showdown!

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If A-List Celebs like Matisyahu, boxer Yuri Forman, Heshy Fried (FrumSatire) and Diwon (Shemspeed) can go to Jewlicious, so can a no-good-kid from Atlanta! Join PunkTorah as we take over Jewlicious in an epic battle that pits mother against daughter, father against son! Not really, just go to Long Beach and have fun! Festival website : http://jewliciousfestival.com/ Ticket Portal: http://JF6.eventbrite.com

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I’m sitting at the counter of the cafe my girlfriend* works at, reading Parshat Terumah. Between serving customers, she looks over and says, “OK Patrick, read the Torah to me.”

The first line of the Parshat is G-d asking for gifts of gold, silver, copper, tanned skins, fine jewels and various other just-gotta-have-it Biblical sundries. She exclaims, “Wow, G-d’s being really dick, asking for gifts like that.”

And you know what, I gotta side with her on that one. Especially when G-d asks for dolphin skin**. I can’t even look at a can of tuna without feeling remorse (and thinking about Jessica Simpson).

A few moments later I tell her my favorite part of the Parshat: the construction of the ark. Being a former history major and archeology buff, she gets a certain glee, “the Indiana Jones ark!”

She turns around and rushes to the espresso machine to pump out another marvelous caffeine miracle, while encouraging me to go find the ark in Ethiopia and bring it back to her as a Valentines gift.

We do this back-and-forth a lot at her place of work. The constant flow of mocha-cafe-double-whip-diabetic-coma-juice and free wifi really gets my blood flowing, not to mention more time with her. But it’s also a sacrifice: she goes to work at 6:30AM and is drop-dead asleep by 9PM. I’m a night owl, barely closing my eyes around 1AM.

But I suck it up and go to bed early when I know she’s opening, because I feel a certain holiness to being there. The lights, the energy, the spirit of the coffee shop gives me what I need to accomplish my morning writing goals.

I know for a fact that opening that coffee shop costs a ton of money (my parents were in the restaurant business their entire lives). I’m sure that the Tabernacle, even with all its splendor, costs less than the construction, rent, utilities, staffing, food, dry goods, taxes and business services that this Mom and Pop coffee bar has. But if her boss had not put those resources into the business, it would not be able to serve its purpose. It’s an investment, and it’s worth it.

Bottom line: spirituality, like great coffee and great relationships, requires serious investment, and going the extra step. This is the spirit of Parshat Terumah.

*Dear Girlfriend, you have every right to hate my guts after reading this. I accept full responsibility, and promise to make it up to you, somehow.

**It may not have been dolphin, but scholars aren’t quite sure how to translate it. Either way, it’s really gross.

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We’re stuck in that vicious grammar cycle in this week’s Torah portion. Moses is basically giving his first big legal speech. I’m got going to get into the particulars of it…but let’s just say that it’s a whole lot of “thou shalt nots” that are really good to look into, when you have some free time.

After G-d tells Moses all the good stuff, he relays it to the Hebrews. And they reply, “we shall do”. In other words, “yeah, it’s cool. We’ll take on that Torah stuff.”

Later, Moses writes down these laws, and the Hebrews reply again. This time they say, “we shall obey.”

Why is there a difference here? Why is it that when Moses says some words, the people “do”, while in written form, people “obey”? I’d think that if I was wandering the desert with some guy who is talking directly to the creator of the universe, I’d obey everything that’s going down, whether it’s on paper or a conversation or text message or whatever!

I think the reason why the Hebrews get more serious with a written Torah is that they are invested in it. Many cults that are based around a leader fall when the leader dies or is shown to be a fake. They last when there is something written down. Writing, in its best form, lasts forever. When Moses put those words down on a scroll, he was making an investment in the future. He was saying, “OK, this isn’t about me and what I experience on top of mountains. This is about the future. This stuff is gonna last, with or without me.”

That’s why the Hebrews say “we will obey”. Moses is showing that this whole Judaism thing isn’t a passing fad or a power trip on his part. It’s legit.

A lot of times when we start something, we tend to bottle it up, to keep it to ourselves. We get on these ego trips where we think that we’re the only one who should have any control. It’s funny to see charities and outreach organizations that are supposed to be a collaboration, turn into a dictatorship where the only person really getting any attention is the fearless leader.

I think Moses understood that. He didn’t want to be Pharaoh. He just wanted to deliver a message and do the best he could, until his time was up. And since we’re still talking about him today, he must have done a pretty good job.

watch?v=DKOj_0hJfxU

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Watch as we take an unplanned trip into the strange, weird world of Bar/Bat Mitzvah Expos.
SEE!
Wonderful party favors!
SMELL!
The Mexican food!
FEEL!
The urge to run and hide!
HEAR!
DJ’s from outer space!

It is an event you won’t want to miss!

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The Israelites have left Egypt and are experiencing freedom for the first time. Obstacle one: the Sea of Reeds. Moses and G-d tag team it, and the Israelites cross. Next, the bitter water of Marah. Again, Moses and G-d make a miracle and the bitter water becomes sweet. And to eat, a heavenly food called manna that comes from the sky.

Every time the Israelites come up against an obstacle, G-d gives them exactly what they want. That’s a pretty sweet deal! It seems like G-d does not do that for people anymore. Rough, huh?

We live in an amoral universe where good and bad things happen all the time. We can’t pin point the “why” of certain things. And when we read stories in the Torah about G-d handing things out like a cosmic Santa Claus, it seems really unfair. It makes people doubt how G-d can even exist.

The thing to remember about this Torah portion is that the Israelites were slaves. And slavery can do a lot to the psyche. They may have had post-traumatic stress disorder, where they constantly have feeling of re-living the darkness of their old lives, despite the fact that they are free. They have never had the ability to make choices for themselves and are now burdened by their own free will. And even though they are free, what good is it if they are going to die in the desert?

So G-d throws them a bone. G-d puts up with their complaining because G-d knows that they are dealing with a lot. This is where the g-dly sense of “doing good” comes from. Preparing food for a family, caring for the sick, giving money to those in need: this all stems from a divine precedent set for us in the Torah.

You can pray all you want, but G-d will not always give you exactly what you want. That’s because we are free now. G-d helped our spiritual ancestors to go from slavery to freedom, so that we can turn inward and see the g-dliness that is inside us, and perform miracles for others.

Does this mean that G-d is no longer with us? Absolutely not! Later in the Parshat, Amalek attack the Israelites. Moses begins praying and Joshua raises an army. Between the two of them, they defeat Amalek.

It took a combination of Moses praying and Joshua acting to defeat the Amalekites. Not one of them could have acted without the other. G-d didn’t destroy the army of Amalek for the Israelites. Instead, G-d inspired their strength and encouraged the Israelites to work together to achieve their goal.

This, I believe, is where G-d is in our lives: the divine inspiration to band together against obstacles we cannot endure alone, giving us the g-dly power to overcome whatever we face.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U8b6ZGHAb8E

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Pharaoh’s objective as a leader is to maintain power for himself and ensure his family will continue to rule Egypt for eternity. Seven plagues have come, and he has not let up. He allowed everyone in Egypt to suffer, so that he could hang onto this work force.

This is the crazy length to which some people will go in order to stay in power. Even if they really do not have control over a situation, they’ll still hold up a good front to make it look like they have everything wrapped around their little finger.

It took the death of Pharaoh’s first child to finally give the people of Israel the opportunity to leave. But it wasn’t just the personal loss of a child that made Pharaoh’s heart soften. In ancient times, a male child was your future: he was your investment, your retirement plan, the promise of the next generation. Pharaoh didn’t think, “gee, how sad I lost my kid”. Rather, he came to grips with the fact that all was lost, from his patriarchal way of thinking. Ultimately, Pharaoh was holding onto something, in this case it was the Israelites, in order to live out his dream, despite the consequences that were staring him in the face.

In this tough economic time, I think of the number of business owners and families who pretend like they are still making big money, in order to continue on their financial dynasty: their vision for what their lives are supposed to be. And I wonder about all the first-born children, the first generation to suffer with 20% unemployment/underemployment. And I wonder: what are we as a nation “holding on to” that keeps us in this dark plague. Are we holding onto the idea that we deserve fancy cars and nice vacations? Are we holding onto the idea that a credit card is not actual money? Are we holding onto the idea that a big house, with a huge mortgage, is the real promise of America?

Pharaoh held onto the Israelites for as long as he could, and Egypt suffered mercilessly. What are we holding onto, and how long are we going to hold onto it? And if we let it go, just like Pharaoh did, will our suffering end?

I hope, for our own sake, that we do not lose our children to whatever selfish things we are holding onto, which plague our society. America, let go of your false control. See the plague that surrounds you.

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Parshat Vayeitzei including Jacob’s Ladder to Heaven and the marriages to Rachel and Leah.

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The sacred connection between food and Judaism is powerfully displayed in Parshat Toldot.

In the early part of the story, Jacob tricks his brother Essau into giving up his birthright in exchange for a bowl of red lentils, which Essau mistook for meat. And later, Isaac is tricked by Jacob and his mother Rebecca into giving his blessing to Jacob instead of his brother, thanks to a meal.

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A love story from the Torah, in three parts. Punktorah.com, punktorah@gmail.com, Also on Twitter @PunkTorah, Facebook and Myspace

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Barukh atah Adonai Elohaynu melekh ha-olam
ha-motzi lechem min ha-aretz.
(Amen)

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Apparently G_d has a weird fetish for child abuse.

In Parshat Vayeira, Abraham’s two sons Isaac and Ishmael both get the short end of the stick. Isaac is bound to an altar and almost made into kiddie sashimi. Poor Ishmael is kidnapped by his mother Hagar and almost dies of dehydration.

It’s enough to make you an atheist.

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Parshat Noah, like all the other parshat, plays games with us.
First, what’s the real likelihood that of all the people on Earth, a drunk like Noah and his family are the only righteous people worth saving? And for that matter, how could a loving G_d destroy that many people, just because they had gone astray (which, btw, there was no real covenant at that point–so what was G_d so uppity about)?

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